Dear Diary
Tuesday
I some how wonder at times, why me? Why do I always have to understand other people's problems... See things from the perspective...why do i have to consider what the other person in going through, before venting out my frustration? I mean tell me Can't I ever be angry... whenever I am angry I am told I am being unreasonable, immature, throwing a tantrum..why do people want me to grow up... I mean I always understand when you people have issues, so why don't u understand mine?
So u be angry, its ok because u r in a mess...u r having stressful issues to deal with... U r under pressure, and I am the only person who is living a life of peace and contentment...No issues, No hassles...a life as peaceful as the pond right?
I am not complaining for being there in all your problems, I am complaining that u understand me...
Arrey I am not talking Gibberish...this is what happened to me today... I was damn upset and when Sonu called I was a little rude to him...Not even rude I'd say aloof...but still fine term it rude.. And he got angry and hung up...I mean whatyaar not done... If I am rude u won't ask me whats wrong, what's worrying u, why u upset...but u'll hang up just like that...??
If I tell you I am upset want to talk about something, you will say please yaar, don't mind today am not in the mood or don't have time, but still I never never hang up on u when u upset...
When I say I am busy I do remember to ask u what was wrong then, but even when u r in a mood, or free, u don't remember to ask why I was sad, worried or whats the status on it now?
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why am I being called an immature female, who is not understanding your situation, when always I listen quietly without an issue, always understand Ur problem when u hurt me, when u ignore me, when u don't care about me, but one day I don't and I become a kid?
Okay lets leave that...Diary You know what happened today? I was coming from college on my way home...on the way I saw this very old and weak man begging on the road...He was so frail and so haggard that he moved my soul... A pitiable man, who at some point would have had the airs of a self respecting, self sacrificing person..He carried himself tall and proud...Why why do people leave their parents like that? Is it the parents mistake that they didn't leave the children to beg on the street..? How could they? The children where a part of them, their life... So why did it change for the kids? Why did they leave their parents helpless on the road, stripped of money, love, support, hope, and belief...And above of all stripped of Self respect? I tell u what give me a shot gun I'll kill all those sons... and the daughters-in-law?? do the same with her parents and they'll shut up forever...
The day I earn enough I swear that day I will build an old age home... I am 20 give me 10 more years...I will do it!!!
Ok nighti night diary...talk to you tomorrow my love am sooooo sleeepppyyyyyy
Sunday, October 28
Wednesday, October 10
Wants
I had wanted you to be there forever
I had wanted you to be my friend
I had known the relation to change
Through sands of time
I had wanted you to feel the same
I had not wanted you to not to change
For people do,
Time makes them...
I had not wanted me to be thee
For you
I had not wanted to be a flicker less emotion
I had wanted to understand all your pains
I had wanted to reason your hurting me
I got what I wanted in my last two wishes
But you forgot to see my thoughts on a train...
You claimed I was your closest friend
That you couldn't do without me
That you cared for me
I had wanted my hopes to not soar...
Because the wants never get fulfilled
The wants ended like thee
I had wanted never to be hurt
No scope of hurt is left by thee
So never want...
There is a little rule
That grants you your want
But how it twists and turns it
You are left to figure your fault....
I had wanted you to be my friend
I had known the relation to change
Through sands of time
I had wanted you to feel the same
I had not wanted you to not to change
For people do,
Time makes them...
I had not wanted me to be thee
For you
I had not wanted to be a flicker less emotion
I had wanted to understand all your pains
I had wanted to reason your hurting me
I got what I wanted in my last two wishes
But you forgot to see my thoughts on a train...
You claimed I was your closest friend
That you couldn't do without me
That you cared for me
I had wanted my hopes to not soar...
Because the wants never get fulfilled
The wants ended like thee
I had wanted never to be hurt
No scope of hurt is left by thee
So never want...
There is a little rule
That grants you your want
But how it twists and turns it
You are left to figure your fault....
Sunday, October 7
Searching for Love
Here I was sitting down to complete a draft of mine...there was this draft I was so keen on completing...But somehow, somehow I ended up reading my older posts... When I landed up at 'My Definition of Love' it got me thinking... That post was originally written 3 and a half years back...for my other blog. I realised even though I haven't yet fallen in Love; nor ever plan to; neither have I found a true definition of it, yet I do now admit some people do go through some deeper belonging, which they term love...
Ok my dawning was even confusing when I first felt it... I'll explain what I mean...
Love earlier for me didn't exist...or the term was superficial for me... I felt that emotion was overrated, over emphasized... It was a case of subconsciously copying someone else... I had realised that most people claimed to be in love, when someone in their knowledge had proclaimed to be in love... It was not deep... I hadn't understood that one day you were in love with someone, and the next day you were in love with another...How could that be...?? And these few points of my argument still stand...
But, what has changed is my comprehension of it... There are people who do deeply fall in 'LOVE'... One of my bestest buddy was in love... He had known the girl for a very long while, they kept in touch off and on...never regularly in touch... then one fine day this girl calls him up after years...they embark on their journey, only to realise they never knew what had crept upon them... their sense of belonging, togetherness, the comfort, their need for each other, the mutual fulfillment and sense of being came when they were with each other... They drove for hours without talking a word, and had the best conversation in their lives... But like all things change, their relation changed...their families didn't approve and they were not to be one... Even after all these setbacks the sense of belonging, longing for each other never died in each of them...they'd wait for each other onliine, wait for their calls... One hello from the other, or one miss you from the other, carried them for long...they drew strength to proceed with their lives, just in the hope it pleases the other... They felt the pain together... Time passed, they moved on...life became different for them... The girl got married, and the guy engaged... And when I asked him, Buddy are you ok with it? All he said was "Deepshikha, I don't know..." and somehow I ended up saying "she would always be special to you, the place you have given her in your life would always be hers, but its not that you give your whole heart to somebody... that's fiction...she carved a corner for herself...maybe someday you'd feel even a deeper sense of love for your fiancee, but still she'd be she...and you were and would always remain close, no matter where..."
It shocked me...I didn't know I could express a feeling so well for him, which he was struggling to explain himself...when I haven't ever believed in the concept of Love....
Then in my city there is this case of a girl, who married against the marwari rich girl's dad's wishes, to a guy from a humble muslim background. The guy was murdered by the girl's parents, following a political and media circus in the city... But what is essential to my reference to this incident is that, even though this guy is dead now, the sense of belonging that the girl had for him, made her stand up against her father, her family, even though she was in their house now, and her future insecure, for the guy who completed her...
See I don't know whether love is possible or does it exist, but there is a relation possible between two individuals, which transcends the boundaries of friendship, to a deeper sense of belonging and completion... So maybe, maybe not everybody is hopeless....
[well I am hopeless... for that matter... :) ]
Ok my dawning was even confusing when I first felt it... I'll explain what I mean...
Love earlier for me didn't exist...or the term was superficial for me... I felt that emotion was overrated, over emphasized... It was a case of subconsciously copying someone else... I had realised that most people claimed to be in love, when someone in their knowledge had proclaimed to be in love... It was not deep... I hadn't understood that one day you were in love with someone, and the next day you were in love with another...How could that be...?? And these few points of my argument still stand...
But, what has changed is my comprehension of it... There are people who do deeply fall in 'LOVE'... One of my bestest buddy was in love... He had known the girl for a very long while, they kept in touch off and on...never regularly in touch... then one fine day this girl calls him up after years...they embark on their journey, only to realise they never knew what had crept upon them... their sense of belonging, togetherness, the comfort, their need for each other, the mutual fulfillment and sense of being came when they were with each other... They drove for hours without talking a word, and had the best conversation in their lives... But like all things change, their relation changed...their families didn't approve and they were not to be one... Even after all these setbacks the sense of belonging, longing for each other never died in each of them...they'd wait for each other onliine, wait for their calls... One hello from the other, or one miss you from the other, carried them for long...they drew strength to proceed with their lives, just in the hope it pleases the other... They felt the pain together... Time passed, they moved on...life became different for them... The girl got married, and the guy engaged... And when I asked him, Buddy are you ok with it? All he said was "Deepshikha, I don't know..." and somehow I ended up saying "she would always be special to you, the place you have given her in your life would always be hers, but its not that you give your whole heart to somebody... that's fiction...she carved a corner for herself...maybe someday you'd feel even a deeper sense of love for your fiancee, but still she'd be she...and you were and would always remain close, no matter where..."
It shocked me...I didn't know I could express a feeling so well for him, which he was struggling to explain himself...when I haven't ever believed in the concept of Love....
Then in my city there is this case of a girl, who married against the marwari rich girl's dad's wishes, to a guy from a humble muslim background. The guy was murdered by the girl's parents, following a political and media circus in the city... But what is essential to my reference to this incident is that, even though this guy is dead now, the sense of belonging that the girl had for him, made her stand up against her father, her family, even though she was in their house now, and her future insecure, for the guy who completed her...
See I don't know whether love is possible or does it exist, but there is a relation possible between two individuals, which transcends the boundaries of friendship, to a deeper sense of belonging and completion... So maybe, maybe not everybody is hopeless....
[well I am hopeless... for that matter... :) ]
Monday, September 17
Careless Smiles
A rocking party, at the happening disc...minimal conversation...great crowd...too much of kissing, no smile
A silent poolside party...mature conversation...mind-to-mind bonding...talking and drinking...who knows to smile?
A page3 party...with ah-u-have-lost-weight conversation...wallet-to-wallet bonding...boozing and boobing...is my smile right?
A kid's birthday bash...with innocent conversation...heart to heart bonding...playing and sharing.....those careless smiles...
I have so often and not been accused of leaving a grown up conversation, a party, a so-called intense discussion to join the kid bandwagon... When Deepshikha is missing, people know where to find her... It's where you'd have the kids...I don't even know who's kid or what...just an honest innocent kid...
Come on, you ask me, how could I prefer an adult company to a kid's?... sometimes its understandable but at every slight pretext? I could leave discussions, marriage ceremonies of my close relatives, the so-called fast lifestyle...the fun, running against time...wanting o outdo others... the saccharine coated smiles...the glass eyes...the cold heart...the meaningless-feeling less words... the double edged swords...race to prove us the best, while climbing on the self esteem of others...
Hey don't complain that this is not what we do...Don't we all do that? Sarcasm is our Armour...Diplomacy our honed skills...practiced measured smiles our heritage...trying to prove our self worth our ambition... Proving ourselves to be the master of all, jack of none our passion...
I am not saying, " oh! am so great..I don't indulge in it..." of course I do...To an equal extent as u do...but by running away to these children, I try to nullify the changes of the society on me...to become more human..
The most precious thing to a child is his new toy, you give it to him, he rushes to show his best friend...if his best friend doesn't have it, chances are that either the toy goes to the friend, or they share.. Even if the child feels pompous about the other not having it, in most cases the child will make sure the other person is not hurt... A child is the most sensitive to other child's hurt...
You give a kid a chocolate and he'd make sure every single person in that room has been offered that chocolate, makes sure most have it...If he doesn't share he's brave enough to admit that he can't part with his favourite stuff...
You fall down, even if the others don't rush to you, the child will be the first to ask in his so-cute voice, are you ok? and be the only person to offer to hit the ground, in-case you hurt...
A child will mean it when he says come over to my place, I wont let you go... He'll truly wish you a goodbye and will hope to see you again... If he doesn't like you will say it on your face... If he wants something in return of his deeds, will let you know...
But all this apart what is special to them is that careless smiles... they don't think before smiling for whom or what...they don't care if you return their smile or not...they don't care whether you work for this firm, or own that firm..They don't care if they are smiling in a condolence... They cry when they want, they love unconditionally and love with no holds barred...
Their smiles is untouched by society...their love for their mom genuine, their idolising their dad true, and thier innocent smiles an analgesic....
So to turn back the clock of my growing up, I find solace in children...Lay all accusal's on my door...
GUILTY as charged
A silent poolside party...mature conversation...mind-to-mind bonding...talking and drinking...who knows to smile?
A page3 party...with ah-u-have-lost-weight conversation...wallet-to-wallet bonding...boozing and boobing...is my smile right?
A kid's birthday bash...with innocent conversation...heart to heart bonding...playing and sharing.....those careless smiles...
I have so often and not been accused of leaving a grown up conversation, a party, a so-called intense discussion to join the kid bandwagon... When Deepshikha is missing, people know where to find her... It's where you'd have the kids...I don't even know who's kid or what...just an honest innocent kid...
Come on, you ask me, how could I prefer an adult company to a kid's?... sometimes its understandable but at every slight pretext? I could leave discussions, marriage ceremonies of my close relatives, the so-called fast lifestyle...the fun, running against time...wanting o outdo others... the saccharine coated smiles...the glass eyes...the cold heart...the meaningless-feeling less words... the double edged swords...race to prove us the best, while climbing on the self esteem of others...
Hey don't complain that this is not what we do...Don't we all do that? Sarcasm is our Armour...Diplomacy our honed skills...practiced measured smiles our heritage...trying to prove our self worth our ambition... Proving ourselves to be the master of all, jack of none our passion...
I am not saying, " oh! am so great..I don't indulge in it..." of course I do...To an equal extent as u do...but by running away to these children, I try to nullify the changes of the society on me...to become more human..
The most precious thing to a child is his new toy, you give it to him, he rushes to show his best friend...if his best friend doesn't have it, chances are that either the toy goes to the friend, or they share.. Even if the child feels pompous about the other not having it, in most cases the child will make sure the other person is not hurt... A child is the most sensitive to other child's hurt...
You give a kid a chocolate and he'd make sure every single person in that room has been offered that chocolate, makes sure most have it...If he doesn't share he's brave enough to admit that he can't part with his favourite stuff...
You fall down, even if the others don't rush to you, the child will be the first to ask in his so-cute voice, are you ok? and be the only person to offer to hit the ground, in-case you hurt...
A child will mean it when he says come over to my place, I wont let you go... He'll truly wish you a goodbye and will hope to see you again... If he doesn't like you will say it on your face... If he wants something in return of his deeds, will let you know...
But all this apart what is special to them is that careless smiles... they don't think before smiling for whom or what...they don't care if you return their smile or not...they don't care whether you work for this firm, or own that firm..They don't care if they are smiling in a condolence... They cry when they want, they love unconditionally and love with no holds barred...
Their smiles is untouched by society...their love for their mom genuine, their idolising their dad true, and thier innocent smiles an analgesic....
So to turn back the clock of my growing up, I find solace in children...Lay all accusal's on my door...
GUILTY as charged
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