Tuesday, February 10

I hate me, for I love thee.

I'm Madhavi, Madhavi Sharma. And you are?

The train was crossing an over bridge, making conversation impossible over the next few minutes.

"I am Niyati, and this is my fiancé Neel. Aren't you that famous writer, whose written 'is it you, is it me, is it Love?'

(Smiling) So you have read that little creation of mine? Yeah I am the one, I am a little honored that you recognized me.

'Humility! And such a big award winning author! Man it's like rarer tan a Bangladesh victory in cricket.' (Comments Neel)

"Hush...Shut up! So Mam, when's your next book coming? Do you know Mam, this is my most favourite book, no not kidding, because this book rings true somewhere for each of us. It's not a pro-woman love story, or a book from a feminist point of view, or a Chick-lit, it's a book that makes us look at our relations with a new light. Even Neel read the book. Didn't you Neel?" (Nudging Neel with his elbow, Niyati glares at him.)

'Ya ya that's true, Aa Mam, I mean apart from the other racy action or suspense thrillers, which men surreptitiously read, this book stuck a chord, I mean I could identify with your character Andreas, it's there some where in every man, and all of us want to have a partner like Rhea, the inexpressibility of Rishi, the ego's, the inability to handle a woman in the lows of her emotion, the complexity of understanding her needs, yet tiding over all to just let the light shine, is just so powerful, because everyone gives up at the onset of troubles.'

Thank You, I am really glad you liked it so much.

"But I really need to ask you something? Why was it that it was always Rhea who adjusted, changed, bended or whatever you term it, I'd call why was it she who only compromised to keep the relation working? Why did she never demand things? I mean I respect her situation and why she handled it, I get that, but the point is she was always left dissatisfied, because even if she didn't say, you could understand the pain she was going through, it jumped out of the lines..." asked Neel


What will you have Madam, Tea or Coffee? And you Sir and Madam

Black Tea, without sugar, make it extra strong please.

"2 cups of Tea for us. Chini kam dijeyega."

'Rhea even had extra strong black coffee.' teased Niyati

(Smiling) I don't know I personally believed that Rhea was someone who wanted a lot, or needed a lot to be satisfied, she was a very deep person, so her love was extremely deep. And that somewhere made things difficult for her. She loved Rishi deeply, but it was impossible for someone else to love as intensely as she loved, hence the dissatisfaction. It was a pain she was inflicting upon herself and she had to handle it herself, deal with it, that's why probably you felt her agony, answered Madhavi.

'But it wasn't fair, when Rishi loved Rhea, he should have understood her little wants and desires. It wasn't as if she wanted elaborate things, she just wanted togetherness, contentment and to feel safe, which was justified. Rhea had seen a lot of broken relations, her own parents were divorced, so she had to be always unsure of herself, doubting the thing, she may not be that demanding, but come on man, as a man I can say Rishi was wrong.' said Neel.

"But Neel look at it from Rishi's point of view, at that point he had just been promoted to a new position, he was working as a head of a group, his work was all over his head, even you were so involved in your work, you even forgot our anniversary, and I was fine with it, because you were busy working. It's not as if you didn't care about my emotions, it's because you had things involved. Same with Rishi, it was his way to look at life, it was his second relation and he loved her deeply, but the point remained was that he didn't understand Rhea's needs and lets forgive for that."

'No Niyati no, it's an excuse; all these are excuses to cover one's insensitivity. Even you were busy in office, even you had to attend your sisters’ marriage, yet you remembered everything, you made time for everything. You never forgot my little needs or wants; you never failed to reason out my insensitivity or my lack of care for you. Men are insensitive, says all those who want to hide their mistakes to satisfy there ego. If we have progressed then why does the woman be dissatisfied? Why are you lonely when we are engaged to be married, why was Rhea lonely? Why don't you not forget to wake me up every morning, however busy you are, but how conveniently I leave you sleeping on the bed and leave for office. Don't you feel cold waking up alone? It’s just an excuse.' burst out Neel, his face was a mirage of different emotions. Each one rawer than the pother, it was as if he felt more pain for Rhea than Niyati had.

"Neel Honey I Love You and it's okay whatever is okay, we take it a part of our relation, I will Love you till the end, so this why you were behaving so strangely, you felt hurt for your actions, you hated yourself for what you did. Don't do that again. I had thought you stopped loving me..." Niyati starts crying

Neel hugs Niyati and they are crying for a long while, it's only when Madhavi says that they really were exceptionally in love, did they remember her presence? They thanked her profusely, for which she was thoroughly confused.

The train reached Dhanbad, where someone boarded the train and kissed Madhavi, Neel asked him, a little unashamed and clearly curiously, disregarding any privacy.

Surprised, the man answers, "I am Rishi, Rishi Sharma, Madhavi's husband, hello, and you are?"

You are Rishi!!! Gaped Neel and Niyati from Madhavi to Rishi, and Rishi shared amused glances, for which Madhavi only smiled, well she knew the reason of the surprise.

They had been through to this before also, the only difference was; Madhavi got her new story...

Tuesday, December 2

Three Mistakes Of My Life.... Errrrrr

Ok ok before I hear the end of it, Yes I know I make too many mistakes, so it can't be just three mistakes of my life, hence revised title is Three Current Mistakes Of My Life...

1# 'You know Ma,  there are these very few times, when I don't feel all that fine, I mean nothing major though, a niggling backache again, I guess my liver problem comes back every now and then, and I have these recurring mild, very mild headaches a little, I have an abscess on my right leg, I guess it pains a little, and...' 
(Women, when they start talking they completely ignore the other sounds, like the warning bells ringing loudly, and shrilly in their ears, forecasting impeding danger, and that's what happened to me.)
'Ma, why do we have to go to the doctor?? I mean come on Ma, it's not fair! Can't I trust you a with a little secret, I am just not well a L-I-T-T-L-E, I mean I am not dying for God's sake yaa.'
(Damn, this is why women are cursed for talking to much, the memory of my mums raised eyebrows, still silences me in mid-speech now.)
" Silky, as far as I remember I had prescribed certain medicines the last time..."
'No, no you hadn't, you just checked Mom...'
Oh yes you had, and she very well didn't remember to take them - complained mom yet again.
'Ah, Ma, technically speaking, if you remembered, then doesn't the logic say, that you remind me to it...???'
Yeah right, as if you're a 12 year old kid now!!!
(Mum's you can't understand them, through out the time she was cribbing that I am a kid, and all my health doubts should be addressed by the doc immediately, and now in a span of few seconds I am no longer a kid! Help! My mind is also slowing down!!!!)
After a healthy dose of arguments, counterarguments, and emotional (Emphasis on emotional, not practical or moral) lectures later, it was decided that my poor, little, innocently lazy and relaxed lifestyle was the cause of it all...
 ( tch tch tch my doctor had went! Christ! I am 21, allowed to have bad lifestyle...)
"You wake up at 6.30 in the morning, have breakfast at 12 in the afternoon, laze around the whole day, yapping with your cell precariously balanced between your ear and your shoulders, you are eating all the wrong food at the wrong time, you have dinner at 8, sleep at 12, read books lying down, do not take medicines, do not report pain... " 
(Sorry I had been driven into a very small hole, and was feeling claustrophobic, So don't remember the stream of the discussion, just the clincher end...) 
Imagine beta, how bad will Mummy feel ki, because of her bad health you don't take care of your health and fall sick, she will feel she's not a good mother...
(I can still see the wolfish-smile-of I-got-the-cat kinds on their faces...)

Result of my Mistake- I have to take my medicines everyday, I have to have break fast by 10, meals every 4 hours, I cannot lie down and read book, I have to sleep by 10.30, I have no right to yell at mom or bro again for not taking care of their health.. The list is endless... 
(This helped yaar, I feel as fit as a 60 year old grandma now, I have aged gracefully!)


#Second mistake :- Shanti, do you think I am looking fat? "Actually no, I mean yeah a little, pehle se thori moti toh ho gayi ho..."
Mooommm do you think I am looking fat? "Glad you realise it beta, you have become very fat, look at yourself, you don't even fit in your old clothes, when you were in school you were decent, normal types, ab dekho, koi kaam-vaam toh karna hain nahi, din bhar phone, pc, and books, your life has become so sedentary, lazy and auntieji types... " Oh she went on, I just stopped listening, and tried calling someone else, who would tell me I am not looking bad, so I could rest in peace, but tragically nobody helped.
So I decided to visit a few gyms to find out ways to loose some 'puppy fat'...  I just  got too lazy to go, hence dropped the idea...
The kicker came when I was getting ready for a wedding along with my brother, who just comments, "Don't walk with me you know, I am still single, if you walk with me people might assume you to be my wife!!!" :-( 
(Audacity, trust me, I haven't been so embarrassed, because he actually kept teasing me throughout and kept saying do something, do something, he's bloody 5 years older than me!!!)

Result of my mistake:- I now walk for an hour everyday, at a park everyday (just highlighting everyday again) Me and walk :-( That too with all the gossipy-bitchy-we-are-young-page 3ites of my locality in a park, I don't even get the car to drop me off at the park!!! I am not fed with strawberry ice-creams, shakes anymore,  my friends are like if I had a boyfriend, he'd refuse to to be seen out with me... :(



#Third Mistake :- That I thought I could introduce two friends, and have them behave as friends. I introduced two friends, hopefully because they were discussing comments via me, so I thought why not introduce the two of them, and make my life simple. But alas, this is why lack of experience of life comes in. I should have known better, they created a monster gang against me!!! One asked me to shut up, the other called me names, they were discussing whether I am an attitude throwing person, or high maintenance. They were dissecting me, in front of me, as if I didn't exist! They discuss their love life, and work life, their food and their mood amongst them... They forgot me :( 
Tch tch tch...

The result- Now I am bitched about and ragged openly, and now both of them have more time to talk to each other, than talk to me... :( 
They forgot me, I repeat.


So now with a wiser heart and a braver mind, I set my life's journey, while keeping my mind, and contact book, FIRMLY shut!!!


Wednesday, November 26

Wants...

Wants...

I want to be by your side,
Where,
Your smile  is beckoning me
Your eyes caressing me
Your laughter tickling me
Your silence speaking to me
Your touch igniting me
Your breath becoming mine
Where begins you and end I

I want to be alone with you,
Where,
I am me
Only yours to be
I play with sand
Unwittingly it become the face of thee
I walk in the water.
Waves assure me
That you are the shore
And me the sea,

That the love rises and falls
Meets and calls
From me to you,
and You to me

Where the wind ruffles my hair,
like you did the night in mere,
telling me of more to come,
Hiding the secrets and keeping mum

Where the sounds calm me,
Like your heart beat did,

Where the smells hold me, entice me
With promises like your arms did..


I want never to wake up
be always yours forever, together,
With your hands in mine,
And your lips on mine...
The dreams so real,
The real so surreal
The fulfillment so deep
The love so divine,
that my feelings are yours,
and your heart is forever
Mine

Monday, September 8

It is you, It is me, 'It' is Love...


Door being opened

Deeps I am home.... Rish's baby is damn powerful, I mean it kicks your gut... The ride it gives you is just wow! Well my next buy would be the Porche now... This house was 2 years back, I can now afford a Porche!! Imagine what a marriage, that Jerk has a Jaguar and me a Porche, we'll rule the land at 140... :-) Oh! the fridge doesn't have juice, Damn!!!! I was supposed to get it, sorry I forgot! No no don't be benevolent I'll have water instead no need for the alcahol thing... Where the hell are you yaar... Not in the kitchen, not in the dining room, nor in the studies.............. or the bedrooms!!! Is this a game of hide and seek? 

'Here in the window, come to my room, I dont stay in your room dear, that is if you have noticed...' I'm sitting on the window open the curtains you'll find me there...'

What are you doing here? Come down you'll fall off!!!

'Stop acting like an Ido, there are grills, I am sitting on the marble platfor, this is like a small verandah, an aclove types... Little known to you, in such weather you will always find me here with my laptop...'

You sit here?!? Why? 

'The open sky, the view from here, the gentle breeze talks to me, being here I can feel the diversity in the world, it humbles me, and tells me that my world is just so small, there is so much saddness all around, so my problems very meagre, but my happiness unbounded, Its like the sense of freedom, not being tied down with any expectations, nothing to bog u down... To live our life as our own... The nature dictates its laws for its life, why can't we do so for ours? This ambience just completes me... ' smiling...

'You tell me, how was your drive with Rish? and don't tell me Mr. Andreas Dumaski now wants to buy a Ferrari or Porsche...'

Sometimes its like I don't know you, you are just so mysterious, there is always one layer of your persona waiting to be uncovered... You think this was the last, I have figured her out, and you spring a surprise!!! The sense of euphoria just evaporates to a feeling of unsettlement... You are unpredictable!!! and people have this opinion about me, yet you read me like a book, like you author my lines, instead of your posts!!! Why? How?

'Hmmmm that means you spent the entire drive talking to him about me... Why I wonder..?'

As if you don't know why...

'Why?'

AAAArrrrgggggggghhhhhh I hate het smartness, with just one word, end of all the arguments from my side, and now what? I am trapped in the black hole, called answer... Its a black hole because I can never answer fast enough, well enough, correct enough to pull me out of this... I keep getting caught and end up seeping in more and more, ony to be saved when the black hole creator decides to forgive my poor soul..

'God! Deeps you asked me a life changing question and now you feign innocence!'

Was it one?

I give up Deeps!!! You are crazily smart...  Yes it was one, very frankly speaking it hit home some truths...

'Want some juice?'

Theres none in the fridge... 'There are some on the dining table in the dining room...'

Coming back I don't know why I love you, or I didn't know it... All I know was earlier I thought I loved you because you understood me so well... You were there forever whenever I needed an alter ego... You respect me the person... but I have realised I should have loved you for just you, you are introspective, mature, sensible caring individual, ou temper my arrogance and make me seem as me... I don't know why I love you, but just looking at you, I know you are the one for me....

'By the Way you have quoted a part of what Rishi feels for me... close your mouth,guessing it wasnt the way I knew it, I know Rishi like the back of my hand, for half my life now, I can complete his thoughts...'

Why do you love me?

'I don't know all I know is that whether you understand me or not, whether I depend on you or not, the sense of fulfillment and completion I get from you, is worth a million sacrifices, a thousand lives, a hundred fears and a lifetime of happiness...I can see it in your eyes, your voice that you are the person I feel deeply linked with...I didn't know why I loved you, hence asked you this, though not expecting you to quote Rishi, or take it so seriously that you forget that today was Rishi's birthday... and you forgot to wish him...' smiled Deeps...

I'll wish Rishi right now... Deeps you know I love you right...

'Andy I may know it, I doubt you know it...'