Dear Diary
I was talking to Sonu today, and he asked me a question out of the blue... He was like 'what do u want to do in life? Whats your one dream?' then he was like 'Get married, have a happy family, support ur family...right?' and I was like ,'Nope, Yes I do want all that, but thats my desire, my need, my want, but definitely not my dream.. My dream is too serve you that dish, which can make u go feel hungry, even after having a Gourmet cuisine... My dream is to make your food, an experience, not a fancy... My dream is to make you Live to Eat, and not Eat to Live... So jaan, its my restaurant...' and he was like, ' Ahhh!!! so thats what you doing, making your passion your work, so that u never work again...' God!! when will my baby use his original dialogues...Sonu will always copy my dialogues, and will say, 'am learning from the great, consider it my lesson well learnt...' Then very suddenly he was like, 'Why do u love cooking so much?'
And right then he had to hang up, but he gave me fodder for thought...'Yeah I had told you, thinking is such a waste of time, but what to do, an empty brain is devil's workshop, and am the devils advocate, so I can't let my employer stray, can I?
I have been cooking since I was 5...Before that, I remember when Ma used to go in the kitchen to make dinner, I always tagged behind her like an uncute chimp, or an assistant... I distinctly remember Ma hauling me up on the kitchen counter and then cooking... Watching my mom cook, is more than just an experience, you get introduced to a new concept, which is called creating tangible love... Ma's a Bible for cooking...the way she'd cook was mechanical, perfect to a fault, with every ingredient knowing its work, like when you have a party at home, and invite people over, the entire family has their task divided...and everyone performs to the best of their ability, why to make the party a success, and why that? well to have that sense of deja` vu, that feeling of accomplishment, that benchmark which u need to break to climb higher... Well that was just the conspiracy hatched by Ma and her ingredients...
For me it was a more than just a hobby or passion...It meant heritage...I dont strange that I call it heritage, but somehow I feel this is what my Ma passed on to me, that this my tribute to her skills, my homage...
Apart from that, (u know am a little emotional when it comes to Ma, and my relation with her :), so am scared nazar na lag jaaye, isiliye I dont discuss it a lot..), just the thought of creating a dish which essentially makes u forgt all your stress, bring u back alive, ignite a want, make u feel something is what good food is all about.. Its not about exotic dishes from unknown, far fetched places, its not about new cuisines, its not about signature dishes, its about recreating the magic of food... We have forgotten that down the line, why we all work so hard is for food... Its what drives to everything...and somehow we take that for granted... grabbing a bite on our way out, checking for the calorie list, finding things to do at the dinner table... etc etc...but if u notice, the day the food is really to your liking, for that short period of 15 mins or so, till u consume that bit u are lost in a world of sensory pleasures, of sheer delight, away from any coherent thought...Well that's because God made us to enjoy his blessing food... And thats where I step in too cook...I dont want u to recognise that ok this is a trademark my dish, or its the best, its new, its different...I just want u too get so lost in the food u don't acknowledge it, to make it a passion u are guilty about discussing, to be a sense of pleasure which gels in the background of your brain, only to be remembered, when you truly remember happiness and joy..
So I ended up blowing up his cell bill, coz we spoke for nearly one hour on this (ok ok I spoke for an hour), and then we ended up discussing the interiors of my restaurant, my first client would be him, how he'd like me to serve etc etc...It was special...All conversations with him are... but during this conversation one thing was born, his dream project, which touch wood he'll implement..:)
And that dear diary, is the wonder of good food and romancing the food my hobby... I love cooking, it makes me - me...I set myself free, be the true me, for the true to be...:) hence if I have to work then why not cook, I'll make myself happy while spreading the joy....
Sunday, November 11
Friday, November 2
Thinking is just such a waste of time [part 3]
Dear diary
One of the worst days of my life
U know I was helping mom do something today... I was only giving opinions when ma needed it.. Ma was in a rush...we had to go shopping for diwali also, suddenly she was like why u trying to show I am doing all the work, I do everything etc etc... I mean she was a little too harsh.. Not that I don't understand her reasons for it... She's under a lot of stress... with the constant rejection of proposal for di's marriage, the strained relation with pa, the jealously and bad vibes she has to handle of my relatives, plus pressure of bro's very new business... I know she's under a lot of stress... and I completely understand..but at times I wonder what did I do wrong to deserve this.. why am I the scapegoat from all sides, when friends are upset they leash out at me, when family is upset they lash out me..
Hang on people, I do have feelings!!! Well I guess u people have kind of forgotten, but even I think I belong to the category of people who u know feel, get hurt,like dislike kind of things...u know things called emotions etc etc.. When I genuinely don't feel I am doing anything, let alone being arrogant about saying 'I do this, do that...'
I haven't honestly done anything for anybody in life... I know that subtract me from any body's life, and it would not make much of a difference, but when ur own parent says that, it drives your insecurity wild... Ma just doesn't understand, I try hard to do everything she tells me, even more, shoulder her responsibilities, not because I think she's useless or bad it, or I am very good at it.. Nor is it because She doesn't keep well, so am doing it for pity, sympathy, for glory name or fame... I mean by how far can a parent misjudge her own child..Don't know their own child...I know ma's under stress but that doesn't, or it isn't a reason to always drive ur irritation out on me, u have to understand what I go through also...And even if that is said or done at the heat of the moment, have u ever consoled me after that... I would never want a sorry from u, dont insult me by saying I'd stoop so low, that I will make my mum apologise to me, but even a smile or a hug...or saying u said it out of frustration...a word of reassurance... No am not complaining...and even on my last day will I ever have issues with ma, but jaan at times I don't know this makes me go in a phase of self questioning...
This makes me think..why did I react...Do I really understand ma's position? or is it my complain?? If I did understand I would never be hurt, but then again, I am only human to be hurt... Am I as mature as I presume to be? Or am I completely a kid, who throws tantrums and makes life difficult for others..? Am I that useless that I cant do anything to do away or lessen their pains, I also know I cant do much about it because I havent created their problems, and its life everybody has problems, everybody faces it, but then why all at once? why my family? Why am I not a lovable person...? Do I genuinely care for me, or is it my way to charm them? Am I good or bad? Do i have any sense of purpose in life? Why am I not like my cousins and friends.? Some are really nice people to be with, and if they are not they have the looks which attract people to them and make them lovable... Why am I dull and drab, and not the nicest person to know?? Why do I have all the questions in life? Why is it that I also know I am at a age of self questioning..its the age to have questions, and wait for answers.. Why do I always contradict myself?????
God help me!!! am totally Mad....!!!!
One of the worst days of my life
U know I was helping mom do something today... I was only giving opinions when ma needed it.. Ma was in a rush...we had to go shopping for diwali also, suddenly she was like why u trying to show I am doing all the work, I do everything etc etc... I mean she was a little too harsh.. Not that I don't understand her reasons for it... She's under a lot of stress... with the constant rejection of proposal for di's marriage, the strained relation with pa, the jealously and bad vibes she has to handle of my relatives, plus pressure of bro's very new business... I know she's under a lot of stress... and I completely understand..but at times I wonder what did I do wrong to deserve this.. why am I the scapegoat from all sides, when friends are upset they leash out at me, when family is upset they lash out me..
Hang on people, I do have feelings!!! Well I guess u people have kind of forgotten, but even I think I belong to the category of people who u know feel, get hurt,like dislike kind of things...u know things called emotions etc etc.. When I genuinely don't feel I am doing anything, let alone being arrogant about saying 'I do this, do that...'
I haven't honestly done anything for anybody in life... I know that subtract me from any body's life, and it would not make much of a difference, but when ur own parent says that, it drives your insecurity wild... Ma just doesn't understand, I try hard to do everything she tells me, even more, shoulder her responsibilities, not because I think she's useless or bad it, or I am very good at it.. Nor is it because She doesn't keep well, so am doing it for pity, sympathy, for glory name or fame... I mean by how far can a parent misjudge her own child..Don't know their own child...I know ma's under stress but that doesn't, or it isn't a reason to always drive ur irritation out on me, u have to understand what I go through also...And even if that is said or done at the heat of the moment, have u ever consoled me after that... I would never want a sorry from u, dont insult me by saying I'd stoop so low, that I will make my mum apologise to me, but even a smile or a hug...or saying u said it out of frustration...a word of reassurance... No am not complaining...and even on my last day will I ever have issues with ma, but jaan at times I don't know this makes me go in a phase of self questioning...
This makes me think..why did I react...Do I really understand ma's position? or is it my complain?? If I did understand I would never be hurt, but then again, I am only human to be hurt... Am I as mature as I presume to be? Or am I completely a kid, who throws tantrums and makes life difficult for others..? Am I that useless that I cant do anything to do away or lessen their pains, I also know I cant do much about it because I havent created their problems, and its life everybody has problems, everybody faces it, but then why all at once? why my family? Why am I not a lovable person...? Do I genuinely care for me, or is it my way to charm them? Am I good or bad? Do i have any sense of purpose in life? Why am I not like my cousins and friends.? Some are really nice people to be with, and if they are not they have the looks which attract people to them and make them lovable... Why am I dull and drab, and not the nicest person to know?? Why do I have all the questions in life? Why is it that I also know I am at a age of self questioning..its the age to have questions, and wait for answers.. Why do I always contradict myself?????
God help me!!! am totally Mad....!!!!
Tuesday, October 30
Another day in confusing girl's life
Dear Diary
Wednesday
Oooo!!!!!!! I think I want to become a millionaire, and soon..Today I went shopping and there was this too die-for dress which i saw at Kimaya...WOW!!! I mean wow!! It was a fab fab dress yaar... It was a silk trousers in white, with this silver belt boles and a silhouette ...which just about skimmed through you... And with that an amazing pale pinkish shirt in the colour of dusty rose pink in Taffeta....it was a full sleeved, balloon sleeved shirt which then cut like a corset.... just wow...with pearl buttons sewn to it... well before u ask me the price, I don't know...as u know jaan, all these places dont have price tags, coz if u have to ask the price, then u cant afford to shop there..and I could always swipe my brother ka credit card but yaar kyun kisi ka itna favour lena?? Phir u must have a boyfriend with whom u can dress out, infact for whom u dress... Well I was thinking ek time pass ka boy friend bana le?? But then yaar, a boy friend is too high maintenance....I mean u throw attitude, make them buy gifts, but honestly speaking, if u keep aside the typical girlish things, there is so much more to a relation than having all that...its about sharing dreams, thoughts views, differences...Its about accepting u as the total mixed up difficult u...its about sharing those little tender moments...its about walking holding hands...its about caring to take medicines... Eeeekkksss!!!! too much emotions involved...Yaar if I decide tomorrow I don't like him , but he really likes me, toh both are hearts will break nad, his wid pain, and mine with hurting someone, thats why no boyfriend, hence buying that dress got cancelled....
Oh then I went to Shoppers Stop, arrey had told u nah, wanted to buy a purse for mom, aise hi, from a lot of days mom's been feeling low low kinds, so thought a surprise gift will pick her up... Went to the purses section, had it my way, I would have bought her a perfume or a watch, but Alas! Ma doesn't use all that, so I'd have to use it (Not that I would have minded ;) )but it would have defeated my purpose... Hmmm U know what I saw? No not a Giordano or a CK, that is what i bought, I saw this extremely cute guy, shopping with this little sister of his (well am sure she was his sis, not niece or daughter, because of the way he adored her with attention) for a knapsack...And he didn't seem to have the faintest clue..So where he apprehensively he approached me, I refused flat out, I mean be it a cute guy, why do I help a stranger?? But I couldn't refuse that sweet little girl...so off we went shopping for an hour, debating countlessly, on the utility and futility of the bags.. Meanwhile openly flirting with him... Obviously purposefully, I was just in a mood of charming somebody... Then finally he selected a bag for her, and then had the audacity to offer to 'gift me one as a token of remembrance for such a fine day, in such a charming company' Huh! and then request for my number for future shopping needs... Well what did you expect obviously I didn't give him my number, he was a stranger, and I don't make friends with strangers... So I very sweetly said, 'I am not interested in becoming a salesgirl, let me complete my studies, if I dont get a job I'll become one and let u know'...I can still see his dumbfounded face...!!!
Ah well I got this lovely bag for mom, in tan brown leather...sleek, stylish, yet simple...class I love it...Oh and I love my choice also ;)
So ok, I had fun, letsee what tomorrow brings home for me...Good nigh.........
Wednesday
Oooo!!!!!!! I think I want to become a millionaire, and soon..Today I went shopping and there was this too die-for dress which i saw at Kimaya...WOW!!! I mean wow!! It was a fab fab dress yaar... It was a silk trousers in white, with this silver belt boles and a silhouette ...which just about skimmed through you... And with that an amazing pale pinkish shirt in the colour of dusty rose pink in Taffeta....it was a full sleeved, balloon sleeved shirt which then cut like a corset.... just wow...with pearl buttons sewn to it... well before u ask me the price, I don't know...as u know jaan, all these places dont have price tags, coz if u have to ask the price, then u cant afford to shop there..and I could always swipe my brother ka credit card but yaar kyun kisi ka itna favour lena?? Phir u must have a boyfriend with whom u can dress out, infact for whom u dress... Well I was thinking ek time pass ka boy friend bana le?? But then yaar, a boy friend is too high maintenance....I mean u throw attitude, make them buy gifts, but honestly speaking, if u keep aside the typical girlish things, there is so much more to a relation than having all that...its about sharing dreams, thoughts views, differences...Its about accepting u as the total mixed up difficult u...its about sharing those little tender moments...its about walking holding hands...its about caring to take medicines... Eeeekkksss!!!! too much emotions involved...Yaar if I decide tomorrow I don't like him , but he really likes me, toh both are hearts will break nad, his wid pain, and mine with hurting someone, thats why no boyfriend, hence buying that dress got cancelled....
Oh then I went to Shoppers Stop, arrey had told u nah, wanted to buy a purse for mom, aise hi, from a lot of days mom's been feeling low low kinds, so thought a surprise gift will pick her up... Went to the purses section, had it my way, I would have bought her a perfume or a watch, but Alas! Ma doesn't use all that, so I'd have to use it (Not that I would have minded ;) )but it would have defeated my purpose... Hmmm U know what I saw? No not a Giordano or a CK, that is what i bought, I saw this extremely cute guy, shopping with this little sister of his (well am sure she was his sis, not niece or daughter, because of the way he adored her with attention) for a knapsack...And he didn't seem to have the faintest clue..So where he apprehensively he approached me, I refused flat out, I mean be it a cute guy, why do I help a stranger?? But I couldn't refuse that sweet little girl...so off we went shopping for an hour, debating countlessly, on the utility and futility of the bags.. Meanwhile openly flirting with him... Obviously purposefully, I was just in a mood of charming somebody... Then finally he selected a bag for her, and then had the audacity to offer to 'gift me one as a token of remembrance for such a fine day, in such a charming company' Huh! and then request for my number for future shopping needs... Well what did you expect obviously I didn't give him my number, he was a stranger, and I don't make friends with strangers... So I very sweetly said, 'I am not interested in becoming a salesgirl, let me complete my studies, if I dont get a job I'll become one and let u know'...I can still see his dumbfounded face...!!!
Ah well I got this lovely bag for mom, in tan brown leather...sleek, stylish, yet simple...class I love it...Oh and I love my choice also ;)
So ok, I had fun, letsee what tomorrow brings home for me...Good nigh.........
Sunday, October 28
Why gals are so confusing [part 1]
Dear Diary
Tuesday
I some how wonder at times, why me? Why do I always have to understand other people's problems... See things from the perspective...why do i have to consider what the other person in going through, before venting out my frustration? I mean tell me Can't I ever be angry... whenever I am angry I am told I am being unreasonable, immature, throwing a tantrum..why do people want me to grow up... I mean I always understand when you people have issues, so why don't u understand mine?
So u be angry, its ok because u r in a mess...u r having stressful issues to deal with... U r under pressure, and I am the only person who is living a life of peace and contentment...No issues, No hassles...a life as peaceful as the pond right?
I am not complaining for being there in all your problems, I am complaining that u understand me...
Arrey I am not talking Gibberish...this is what happened to me today... I was damn upset and when Sonu called I was a little rude to him...Not even rude I'd say aloof...but still fine term it rude.. And he got angry and hung up...I mean whatyaar not done... If I am rude u won't ask me whats wrong, what's worrying u, why u upset...but u'll hang up just like that...??
If I tell you I am upset want to talk about something, you will say please yaar, don't mind today am not in the mood or don't have time, but still I never never hang up on u when u upset...
When I say I am busy I do remember to ask u what was wrong then, but even when u r in a mood, or free, u don't remember to ask why I was sad, worried or whats the status on it now?
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why am I being called an immature female, who is not understanding your situation, when always I listen quietly without an issue, always understand Ur problem when u hurt me, when u ignore me, when u don't care about me, but one day I don't and I become a kid?
Okay lets leave that...Diary You know what happened today? I was coming from college on my way home...on the way I saw this very old and weak man begging on the road...He was so frail and so haggard that he moved my soul... A pitiable man, who at some point would have had the airs of a self respecting, self sacrificing person..He carried himself tall and proud...Why why do people leave their parents like that? Is it the parents mistake that they didn't leave the children to beg on the street..? How could they? The children where a part of them, their life... So why did it change for the kids? Why did they leave their parents helpless on the road, stripped of money, love, support, hope, and belief...And above of all stripped of Self respect? I tell u what give me a shot gun I'll kill all those sons... and the daughters-in-law?? do the same with her parents and they'll shut up forever...
The day I earn enough I swear that day I will build an old age home... I am 20 give me 10 more years...I will do it!!!
Ok nighti night diary...talk to you tomorrow my love am sooooo sleeepppyyyyyy
Tuesday
I some how wonder at times, why me? Why do I always have to understand other people's problems... See things from the perspective...why do i have to consider what the other person in going through, before venting out my frustration? I mean tell me Can't I ever be angry... whenever I am angry I am told I am being unreasonable, immature, throwing a tantrum..why do people want me to grow up... I mean I always understand when you people have issues, so why don't u understand mine?
So u be angry, its ok because u r in a mess...u r having stressful issues to deal with... U r under pressure, and I am the only person who is living a life of peace and contentment...No issues, No hassles...a life as peaceful as the pond right?
I am not complaining for being there in all your problems, I am complaining that u understand me...
Arrey I am not talking Gibberish...this is what happened to me today... I was damn upset and when Sonu called I was a little rude to him...Not even rude I'd say aloof...but still fine term it rude.. And he got angry and hung up...I mean whatyaar not done... If I am rude u won't ask me whats wrong, what's worrying u, why u upset...but u'll hang up just like that...??
If I tell you I am upset want to talk about something, you will say please yaar, don't mind today am not in the mood or don't have time, but still I never never hang up on u when u upset...
When I say I am busy I do remember to ask u what was wrong then, but even when u r in a mood, or free, u don't remember to ask why I was sad, worried or whats the status on it now?
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why am I being called an immature female, who is not understanding your situation, when always I listen quietly without an issue, always understand Ur problem when u hurt me, when u ignore me, when u don't care about me, but one day I don't and I become a kid?
Okay lets leave that...Diary You know what happened today? I was coming from college on my way home...on the way I saw this very old and weak man begging on the road...He was so frail and so haggard that he moved my soul... A pitiable man, who at some point would have had the airs of a self respecting, self sacrificing person..He carried himself tall and proud...Why why do people leave their parents like that? Is it the parents mistake that they didn't leave the children to beg on the street..? How could they? The children where a part of them, their life... So why did it change for the kids? Why did they leave their parents helpless on the road, stripped of money, love, support, hope, and belief...And above of all stripped of Self respect? I tell u what give me a shot gun I'll kill all those sons... and the daughters-in-law?? do the same with her parents and they'll shut up forever...
The day I earn enough I swear that day I will build an old age home... I am 20 give me 10 more years...I will do it!!!
Ok nighti night diary...talk to you tomorrow my love am sooooo sleeepppyyyyyy
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