A trial by fire

'Click clack click clack'...

Ouch Diksha your heels are clicking so hard, and why are you running down those steps?...Diks baby whats on atleast tell me...
" I am getting stifled I need space,time out, don't worry I'll be fine"...
You have left your cell...Arrey take that atleast...

'Click Clack...'
Whats wrong with her? Its not like her to take off like this, anyways she said she'll be fine lets get back to work people....

"Mam its drizzling outside, the winds are hard... take care..."
Thanks, I will...

Cold winds slapped my face, Ah some sensation... All the numbness crowding around my mind, I raised my face up a little for some more onslaught from nature... Its true am jinxed...its true its over...its true...am cursed... I can still hear Andy's voice ringing in my ears... Andy who u ask? Well my boss..I won't call him my editor anymore, because its not about creativity anymore, its about selling your life..Anecdotes they call it Huh!!!...

"You do not have any funny moments in your life? you do not have any moments made special in your life? You haven't had people go out of their way to make your life special for you? You haven't faced triumph or tasted hardcore defeat? You don't have nostalgic moments with your friends? You don't even work to try and create those moments? what are you? who are? What I mean to say why have you wasted 24 years of life like this? " Sir I have been a good friend, a good daughter, a good citizen. "Ha console yourself... you haven't been a good person Diksha, you have just overestimated yourself... I mean is it possible that no one finds a special moment in life, something that sets it apart...fine no anecdote with friends, school, college, masscom. course, life, home???? nothing...and you tell me you have been the ideal citizen !!! quit kidding yourself get a life.."
.
"Oh and by the way, all the anecdotes written in your column are they for real?" No sir.." I figured so... Go create something and fill that column, but girl am fond of you, you know that so I'd advise you, go get a life or you'll be like the Unknown Citizen. W.H.Auden... I am sure you have read that poem... cause your knowledge has never been in question...."

No No I won't I just won't let his words get to me... Ah! this wind is getting to wild for my likes, I'd better start walking...

Diksha? 'present mam'... where are you?? Ah there I am look at the last bench... ok the class gets over...oh see there I am at the lunch break...Alone?? uh ya sitting alone...uh you see my friend whom I eat lunch with, well she was not well, so.... yeah no one else, actually I spoke to everyone in class, and was friendly with them, but when it came to writing letters to best friends I somehow wasn't there on any letter...

'Diksha!!' hi didi... 'How are you?' am fine, you? ' your mom said you were not well?' nah am fine now...ok come sit.... Well why are you quiet Diksha??? oh cause everyone is talking and am listening, I have nothing to contribute... nothing?? Well yes I have, but no one is interested in listening... it's better to hold your tongue than make others listen to you by force..right?? Hmmmm... Lets go


Beep Beep Beep Beep... " can't you see where are you going?? Pay attention!!!' Sorry I didn't realise...

Yeah so Andy wants me to create an anecdote about my life even though I don't have one, to make me seem interesting, so that I don't get isolated further, so that I strive to achieve what I lost out on... How could he ask me such a thing?? Doesn't he realise he killed an already dead soul?? I am loving this cold winds...for one it seems am not walking alone, its like it's talking to me...

Lets continue Diksha... what where? lets continue Walking...
School again? why? that was kindergarten Diksha... My life doesn't change with every year... lets go there once we are already here...please?? Oh ok? but before that am I so gullible that you talk me into things with so much ease?? (smile)... I don't like that deceptive smile of yours.... there you are, hey it seems you are enjoying yourself, people are listening to you... Oh yeah? nah, it was a free class, and they had tired themselves out with their chats so for a change they got a new speaker to listen to, Its temporary 5 minutes later they all leave the class, and me alone? so why didn't you go along with them? I hardly know what they were talking about, I don't gossip, so am clueless about what they are thinking or doing... there are your two best friends!!! its ok, it's the same with them, I am there when they need, and they don't even bother telling me when they bunk..

Ok lets go to your family... Noooo don't even go there, you know nah they have faced so much problems, why trouble me with reminding that.... Ok I agree, you have seen a lot in your life, broken relations, deceit, dishonesty, floundering of care, hatred, and unconditional love to be met with spite... we'll leave that... but lets see your relatives attitude towards you...what they think about you.. Eeks I knew, I knew, you'd come to that... I won't see it, you do if you want to... " Diksha well hello, I think that female is just a farce...I mean she is too sweet to be true yaar, come on how can anyone be so nice and goody-goody types...to top it an amazing student, creative, friendly...etc etc is not she cliche'd..." " she is as true as a fools gold" " Come on yaar lets not go and talk to her...let her be alone miss-goody-two-shoes.. she deserves it..always excelling in whatever I do...my parents keep comparing me to her"

Yikes, why did u take me there? they are so acidic...It hurts my ears... yet u still ignore it, and pretend not to have heard it and don't do anything about it... well if they are convinced am bad, so let them be, why shall i try and change myself...??

Ok college or workplace? Workplace...definitely not college...those were not the best days of my life...by the way...why is it getting hotter by the minute? Am feeling hot not only under my collars, but also I feel we are approaching something hotter...Its like a swift change in the weather is taking place...Its stiffling me... Hello! where did you go now? Hello!!! you there?? where are you??
WOW!!! again someone left me midway!!! Amazingly I didn't even know who it was!!! but its getting remarkably hotter... OH! there's my office letsee... but ....

"Dia, any idea where Diksha has been to? she left two hours back..she seemed upset no news yet?? "
"Well Andy when she was running down I asked her where she was going, she asked me not to worry...so, why shall I? Don't you either, she'd be back soon.."
"You know I think I was a little rude to her...I hurt her emotions, I was ruthless"
"Why are you so concerned she knows how to take care of herself...she is ready to help others... others are not ready to help her...so, what's your problem? Can't we just complete the project...??"
"No, cause your wok she was finishing...."

God! its getting hotter by the minute... Why I have realised one thing, my niceness is to be blamed! I am genuinely concerned for others, make it my con... No body cares for me is again my fault...It means that I haven't been able to maintain relations..That somehow, somewhere something is wrong with me...My insecurity with myself, or my trust in others...My compassion in others, or my critique of my ownself have all been turned on their heads, and are now punishing me.. Now I know why is it getting hot.Its the fire of trial...Fire of self justice, self questioning.. I have to cross this fire...Unscathed, unburnt...

You are not guilty...people don't realise the worth of true gems..no body caring for you, has been dismissed as your con of expecting bigger things, not settling for small..it makes you individualistic, immature and greedy..Makes you seem irrational and flawed..But that is the world's way of defending themselves...Of protecting their name and fame...You are plain unlucky to not have warm moments filled with love, care and tenderness... Sorry

Don't be I am not...his fire burnt all my misgiving, my self questioning, my self denials, In place is hope for someone who values me, a happy attitude, and benevolence...Let people question why I can't find a single Happy and tender moment..or an embarrassing and horrible moment..I am the way I am and the light would shine on me..Everyone have their time in on the center stage under spotlight... I'll have mine...People don't believe in me, because they are not nice and can't believe in goodness of others

From this Trial of Fire I rise as the Phoenix, from my very own ashes... Oh and wind I know You didn't go anywhere or leave me, you came inside me as my alter ego!