Thinking is just such a waste of time [part 3]

Dear diary
One of the worst days of my life

U know I was helping mom do something today... I was only giving opinions when ma needed it.. Ma was in a rush...we had to go shopping for diwali also, suddenly she was like why u trying to show I am doing all the work, I do everything etc etc... I mean she was a little too harsh.. Not that I don't understand her reasons for it... She's under a lot of stress... with the constant rejection of proposal for di's marriage, the strained relation with pa, the jealously and bad vibes she has to handle of my relatives, plus pressure of bro's very new business... I know she's under a lot of stress... and I completely understand..but at times I wonder what did I do wrong to deserve this.. why am I the scapegoat from all sides, when friends are upset they leash out at me, when family is upset they lash out me..
Hang on people, I do have feelings!!! Well I guess u people have kind of forgotten, but even I think I belong to the category of people who u know feel, get hurt,like dislike kind of things...u know things called emotions etc etc.. When I genuinely don't feel I am doing anything, let alone being arrogant about saying 'I do this, do that...'
I haven't honestly done anything for anybody in life... I know that subtract me from any body's life, and it would not make much of a difference, but when ur own parent says that, it drives your insecurity wild... Ma just doesn't understand, I try hard to do everything she tells me, even more, shoulder her responsibilities, not because I think she's useless or bad it, or I am very good at it.. Nor is it because She doesn't keep well, so am doing it for pity, sympathy, for glory name or fame... I mean by how far can a parent misjudge her own child..Don't know their own child...I know ma's under stress but that doesn't, or it isn't a reason to always drive ur irritation out on me, u have to understand what I go through also...And even if that is said or done at the heat of the moment, have u ever consoled me after that... I would never want a sorry from u, dont insult me by saying I'd stoop so low, that I will make my mum apologise to me, but even a smile or a hug...or saying u said it out of frustration...a word of reassurance... No am not complaining...and even on my last day will I ever have issues with ma, but jaan at times I don't know this makes me go in a phase of self questioning...
This makes me think..why did I react...Do I really understand ma's position? or is it my complain?? If I did understand I would never be hurt, but then again, I am only human to be hurt... Am I as mature as I presume to be? Or am I completely a kid, who throws tantrums and makes life difficult for others..? Am I that useless that I cant do anything to do away or lessen their pains, I also know I cant do much about it because I havent created their problems, and its life everybody has problems, everybody faces it, but then why all at once? why my family? Why am I not a lovable person...? Do I genuinely care for me, or is it my way to charm them? Am I good or bad? Do i have any sense of purpose in life? Why am I not like my cousins and friends.? Some are really nice people to be with, and if they are not they have the looks which attract people to them and make them lovable... Why am I dull and drab, and not the nicest person to know?? Why do I have all the questions in life? Why is it that I also know I am at a age of self questioning..its the age to have questions, and wait for answers.. Why do I always contradict myself?????

God help me!!! am totally Mad....!!!!