Ashen

Can anyone tell me, why for all my closest friends I come the second? I mean for Achal, Rehana is more important even though they broke up 6 months back due to family pressure, for Adil, Rachiyta is more important even though she doesnt care about him... I agree Rajat and Siya love each other or even Barkha and Karan, but I wonder if I ever have a problem, why am I no ones priority? why exactly is it that all of them can leave me mid- conversation and say of he/she's there and look I am sorry to leave you mid way but I have to talk to her... Or for why does one claim to be in love? does love mean avoid your friends when they need you, even though they miss an exam just to hear you cry??

Ok my next question is why do people, leave a fast live? I mean all the sportspersons, the jocks, the racers, the actors, they all live for today no worry about future no tension...they earn today spend today... they don't have roots no value for other peoples emotion anything... I mean is that a way to live?

My Final question oh forget it first answer these...

Well hang on hang on, I forgot to introduce you to myself... Am Tarini, Tarini well why do u need my full name...?? Have seen a lot in life, family problems, financial problems, marriages divorces, deaths, lottery's everything and am just 23...

Well I thought these were the most important questions of my life, till before I met Adivesh... Adi a racer who drove the formula 3 car, and lived in Germany, an Indian by birth but settled there... He answered my first question- his answer was " friends are always the dispensible part of our lives... they are like our pillows we cry on them but never air them out... we have learnt to neglect them and they are nice enough they dont complain, infact they are so sweet they take away our guilt of being bad... And the most important people in our lives is the one we love, because we know we can never take them for granted, they make their presence felt..."
I believed him

I thought maybe if I marry him I get my answer to my second question, and resolve my problem of first... So i marry Adivesh to become the priority of his life, and to prove my worth to myself... Life was like a Mills-and-Boons tale, whirl whind romance, fairy tale problems, and happily ever after... but well then that wouldn't be life... cause life has an uncanny nack of trying to prove you wrong when you just thought you understood it...

Now started the problems for me and Adi...he was a carefree happy-go-lucky
guy who lived life on the fast lane, parties, life for today...he believed in living and making people live along with him...The life of peoples live's...He was an open book...anyone can read it... And i was a very conservative person i believed in living for tomorrow, savings, being vary, thinking before acting... living life according to your terms, not let anyone dictate terms...but still we learnt to live with each other... but i was very afraid of death, of loosing Adi, going back to my life without him, i don't know what it was, my love for him, or my need for him to make me feel treasured...I was emotionally weak and he supported me... whereas I for him was his life... Our relations had a lot of ups- and - downs and i always felt that i was sacrificing myself, to make our relation last I did everything...

Then one day life mocked at me... It was only that in the morning that we had celebrated the news that our family was now going to enlarge, I was expecting our child which would give our relation a new direction, a new reason... I allowed Adi to convince me to go to the races along with him... I was in the pits, the race began, everything was going smooth, Adi was second he was fighting for the first position a tough battle which he was about to win, when suddenly after exiting the pits Adi's car crashed into the first turn, the rear wheel came off... it skidded, and hit the stand when the other driver to avoid being hit turned his car, it went turtle... God!
O God! Adi... Adi...you ok...God! someone stop that godamn race and then blank... I passed out...

Whew.... all this remembering the past still takes a toll on me, I still miss Adi after 5 years... I have Vinivesh- reinvestment of my dreams to keep me company... I was hounded after that, by photographers, journalist, media, human rights commission, people's welfare homes... I still remember the fear which gripped me while I was at home alone.. NO whose at the door? go away...those days were pure hell... so to avoid that i ran away, I ran away from Germany and came back home, home to India, home to New Delhi... I had enough bonds and investments and thanks to the exchange rate I led a very comfortable life...

All this while I broke loose from people, my insecurity from before marriage, being the second best, scare that people would recognise me as Adi's wife... I wanted to keep things simple for Vinivesh...I didnt want my ast, and my mistake of marrying Adi haunt him... Yes marrying Adi was my mistake.because we weren't meant to be...
The only person I trusted more than me was my best friend Rahul, who stood by me before and after everything... He was for Adi an uncle, a friend philosopher and guide... Rahul encouraged me to write... I started writing a book on my life..

My book...it took me two years too write it.. and in that while vini became every attached to me... I didnt go out have a lot of social life, so my family was restricted to me, vini and out cat sia... with the visits of rahul who pampered the hell of vini...

Suddenly my book interested Rahul... he got an editor- publisher friend to read my book, and don't know how my book went on to be printed and become a best-seller...Now I had to arrange publicity tours, promotion, talk-shows around the globe to promote my book... Vini hated it...he couldn't understand why his mom used to leave him and go... He started demanding more and more of time, and patience from me...and I wasnt ready to give it to him... I slaved my life for him and his father... I ruined my life for them, because of them...and now what I wanted was a few measely hours and life for myself... Why didn't I deserve it? I did and no one could steal that from me... I went to LA to promote my book, and Rahul calls to say Vini ran away to me... He says he is going in search of his father because his momma thinks only of herself, she doesnt care for me... she thinks she ruined her life for me and pap... I hate her... I don't wanna be with her, and no amount of coaxing bought him back to me...

Rahul suggested him adopting Vini... And I powerless granted the request to him...

Now with my second bestseller am ashen... with no sort to rise from my ashes to become a Phoenix... My self worth and hangover that no one valued me ruined me...made my downfall now I want you and Vini and Rahul to forgive me...but don't forget me