Another day in confusing girl's life

Dear Diary
Wednesday

Oooo!!!!!!! I think I want to become a millionaire, and soon..Today I went shopping and there was this too die-for dress which i saw at Kimaya...WOW!!! I mean wow!! It was a fab fab dress yaar... It was a silk trousers in white, with this silver belt boles and a silhouette ...which just about skimmed through you... And with that an amazing pale pinkish shirt in the colour of dusty rose pink in Taffeta....it was a full sleeved, balloon sleeved shirt which then cut like a corset.... just wow...with pearl buttons sewn to it... well before u ask me the price, I don't know...as u know jaan, all these places dont have price tags, coz if u have to ask the price, then u cant afford to shop there..and I could always swipe my brother ka credit card but yaar kyun kisi ka itna favour lena?? Phir u must have a boyfriend with whom u can dress out, infact for whom u dress... Well I was thinking ek time pass ka boy friend bana le?? But then yaar, a boy friend is too high maintenance....I mean u throw attitude, make them buy gifts, but honestly speaking, if u keep aside the typical girlish things, there is so much more to a relation than having all that...its about sharing dreams, thoughts views, differences...Its about accepting u as the total mixed up difficult u...its about sharing those little tender moments...its about walking holding hands...its about caring to take medicines... Eeeekkksss!!!! too much emotions involved...Yaar if I decide tomorrow I don't like him , but he really likes me, toh both are hearts will break nad, his wid pain, and mine with hurting someone, thats why no boyfriend, hence buying that dress got cancelled....

Oh then I went to Shoppers Stop, arrey had told u nah, wanted to buy a purse for mom, aise hi, from a lot of days mom's been feeling low low kinds, so thought a surprise gift will pick her up... Went to the purses section, had it my way, I would have bought her a perfume or a watch, but Alas! Ma doesn't use all that, so I'd have to use it (Not that I would have minded ;) )but it would have defeated my purpose... Hmmm U know what I saw? No not a Giordano or a CK, that is what i bought, I saw this extremely cute guy, shopping with this little sister of his (well am sure she was his sis, not niece or daughter, because of the way he adored her with attention) for a knapsack...And he didn't seem to have the faintest clue..So where he apprehensively he approached me, I refused flat out, I mean be it a cute guy, why do I help a stranger?? But I couldn't refuse that sweet little girl...so off we went shopping for an hour, debating countlessly, on the utility and futility of the bags.. Meanwhile openly flirting with him... Obviously purposefully, I was just in a mood of charming somebody... Then finally he selected a bag for her, and then had the audacity to offer to 'gift me one as a token of remembrance for such a fine day, in such a charming company' Huh! and then request for my number for future shopping needs... Well what did you expect obviously I didn't give him my number, he was a stranger, and I don't make friends with strangers... So I very sweetly said, 'I am not interested in becoming a salesgirl, let me complete my studies, if I dont get a job I'll become one and let u know'...I can still see his dumbfounded face...!!!

Ah well I got this lovely bag for mom, in tan brown leather...sleek, stylish, yet simple...class I love it...Oh and I love my choice also ;)

So ok, I had fun, letsee what tomorrow brings home for me...Good nigh.........

Why gals are so confusing [part 1]

Dear Diary
Tuesday

I some how wonder at times, why me? Why do I always have to understand other people's problems... See things from the perspective...why do i have to consider what the other person in going through, before venting out my frustration? I mean tell me Can't I ever be angry... whenever I am angry I am told I am being unreasonable, immature, throwing a tantrum..why do people want me to grow up... I mean I always understand when you people have issues, so why don't u understand mine?

So u be angry, its ok because u r in a mess...u r having stressful issues to deal with... U r under pressure, and I am the only person who is living a life of peace and contentment...No issues, No hassles...a life as peaceful as the pond right?

I am not complaining for being there in all your problems, I am complaining that u understand me...

Arrey I am not talking Gibberish...this is what happened to me today... I was damn upset and when Sonu called I was a little rude to him...Not even rude I'd say aloof...but still fine term it rude.. And he got angry and hung up...I mean whatyaar not done... If I am rude u won't ask me whats wrong, what's worrying u, why u upset...but u'll hang up just like that...??

If I tell you I am upset want to talk about something, you will say please yaar, don't mind today am not in the mood or don't have time, but still I never never hang up on u when u upset...

When I say I am busy I do remember to ask u what was wrong then, but even when u r in a mood, or free, u don't remember to ask why I was sad, worried or whats the status on it now?

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why am I being called an immature female, who is not understanding your situation, when always I listen quietly without an issue, always understand Ur problem when u hurt me, when u ignore me, when u don't care about me, but one day I don't and I become a kid?

Okay lets leave that...Diary You know what happened today? I was coming from college on my way home...on the way I saw this very old and weak man begging on the road...He was so frail and so haggard that he moved my soul... A pitiable man, who at some point would have had the airs of a self respecting, self sacrificing person..He carried himself tall and proud...Why why do people leave their parents like that? Is it the parents mistake that they didn't leave the children to beg on the street..? How could they? The children where a part of them, their life... So why did it change for the kids? Why did they leave their parents helpless on the road, stripped of money, love, support, hope, and belief...And above of all stripped of Self respect? I tell u what give me a shot gun I'll kill all those sons... and the daughters-in-law?? do the same with her parents and they'll shut up forever...

The day I earn enough I swear that day I will build an old age home... I am 20 give me 10 more years...I will do it!!!

Ok nighti night diary...talk to you tomorrow my love am sooooo sleeepppyyyyyy

Wants

I had wanted you to be there forever
I had wanted you to be my friend
I had known the relation to change
Through sands of time
I had wanted you to feel the same

I had not wanted you to not to change
For people do,
Time makes them...
I had not wanted me to be thee
For you
I had not wanted to be a flicker less emotion

I had wanted to understand all your pains
I had wanted to reason your hurting me
I got what I wanted in my last two wishes
But you forgot to see my thoughts on a train...

You claimed I was your closest friend
That you couldn't do without me
That you cared for me
I had wanted my hopes to not soar...

Because the wants never get fulfilled
The wants ended like thee
I had wanted never to be hurt
No scope of hurt is left by thee

So never want...
There is a little rule
That grants you your want
But how it twists and turns it
You are left to figure your fault....

Searching for Love

Here I was sitting down to complete a draft of mine...there was this draft I was so keen on completing...But somehow, somehow I ended up reading my older posts... When I landed up at 'My Definition of Love' it got me thinking... That post was originally written 3 and a half years back...for my other blog. I realised even though I haven't yet fallen in Love; nor ever plan to; neither have I found a true definition of it, yet I do now admit some people do go through some deeper belonging, which they term love...

Ok my dawning was even confusing when I first felt it... I'll explain what I mean...

Love earlier for me didn't exist...or the term was superficial for me... I felt that emotion was overrated, over emphasized... It was a case of subconsciously copying someone else... I had realised that most people claimed to be in love, when someone in their knowledge had proclaimed to be in love... It was not deep... I hadn't understood that one day you were in love with someone, and the next day you were in love with another...How could that be...?? And these few points of my argument still stand...

But, what has changed is my comprehension of it... There are people who do deeply fall in 'LOVE'... One of my bestest buddy was in love... He had known the girl for a very long while, they kept in touch off and on...never regularly in touch... then one fine day this girl calls him up after years...they embark on their journey, only to realise they never knew what had crept upon them... their sense of belonging, togetherness, the comfort, their need for each other, the mutual fulfillment and sense of being came when they were with each other... They drove for hours without talking a word, and had the best conversation in their lives... But like all things change, their relation changed...their families didn't approve and they were not to be one... Even after all these setbacks the sense of belonging, longing for each other never died in each of them...they'd wait for each other onliine, wait for their calls... One hello from the other, or one miss you from the other, carried them for long...they drew strength to proceed with their lives, just in the hope it pleases the other... They felt the pain together... Time passed, they moved on...life became different for them... The girl got married, and the guy engaged... And when I asked him, Buddy are you ok with it? All he said was "Deepshikha, I don't know..." and somehow I ended up saying "she would always be special to you, the place you have given her in your life would always be hers, but its not that you give your whole heart to somebody... that's fiction...she carved a corner for herself...maybe someday you'd feel even a deeper sense of love for your fiancee, but still she'd be she...and you were and would always remain close, no matter where..."

It shocked me...I didn't know I could express a feeling so well for him, which he was struggling to explain himself...when I haven't ever believed in the concept of Love....

Then in my city there is this case of a girl, who married against the marwari rich girl's dad's wishes, to a guy from a humble muslim background. The guy was murdered by the girl's parents, following a political and media circus in the city... But what is essential to my reference to this incident is that, even though this guy is dead now, the sense of belonging that the girl had for him, made her stand up against her father, her family, even though she was in their house now, and her future insecure, for the guy who completed her...

See I don't know whether love is possible or does it exist, but there is a relation possible between two individuals, which transcends the boundaries of friendship, to a deeper sense of belonging and completion... So maybe, maybe not everybody is hopeless....


[well I am hopeless... for that matter... :) ]