A rocking party, at the happening disc...minimal conversation...great crowd...too much of kissing, no smile
A silent poolside party...mature conversation...mind-to-mind bonding...talking and drinking...who knows to smile?
A page3 party...with ah-u-have-lost-weight conversation...wallet-to-wallet bonding...boozing and boobing...is my smile right?
A kid's birthday bash...with innocent conversation...heart to heart bonding...playing and sharing.....those careless smiles...
I have so often and not been accused of leaving a grown up conversation, a party, a so-called intense discussion to join the kid bandwagon... When Deepshikha is missing, people know where to find her... It's where you'd have the kids...I don't even know who's kid or what...just an honest innocent kid...
Come on, you ask me, how could I prefer an adult company to a kid's?... sometimes its understandable but at every slight pretext? I could leave discussions, marriage ceremonies of my close relatives, the so-called fast lifestyle...the fun, running against time...wanting o outdo others... the saccharine coated smiles...the glass eyes...the cold heart...the meaningless-feeling less words... the double edged swords...race to prove us the best, while climbing on the self esteem of others...
Hey don't complain that this is not what we do...Don't we all do that? Sarcasm is our Armour...Diplomacy our honed skills...practiced measured smiles our heritage...trying to prove our self worth our ambition... Proving ourselves to be the master of all, jack of none our passion...
I am not saying, " oh! am so great..I don't indulge in it..." of course I do...To an equal extent as u do...but by running away to these children, I try to nullify the changes of the society on me...to become more human..
The most precious thing to a child is his new toy, you give it to him, he rushes to show his best friend...if his best friend doesn't have it, chances are that either the toy goes to the friend, or they share.. Even if the child feels pompous about the other not having it, in most cases the child will make sure the other person is not hurt... A child is the most sensitive to other child's hurt...
You give a kid a chocolate and he'd make sure every single person in that room has been offered that chocolate, makes sure most have it...If he doesn't share he's brave enough to admit that he can't part with his favourite stuff...
You fall down, even if the others don't rush to you, the child will be the first to ask in his so-cute voice, are you ok? and be the only person to offer to hit the ground, in-case you hurt...
A child will mean it when he says come over to my place, I wont let you go... He'll truly wish you a goodbye and will hope to see you again... If he doesn't like you will say it on your face... If he wants something in return of his deeds, will let you know...
But all this apart what is special to them is that careless smiles... they don't think before smiling for whom or what...they don't care if you return their smile or not...they don't care whether you work for this firm, or own that firm..They don't care if they are smiling in a condolence... They cry when they want, they love unconditionally and love with no holds barred...
Their smiles is untouched by society...their love for their mom genuine, their idolising their dad true, and thier innocent smiles an analgesic....
So to turn back the clock of my growing up, I find solace in children...Lay all accusal's on my door...
GUILTY as charged
Monday, September 17
Friday, July 27
A trial by fire
'Click clack click clack'...
Ouch Diksha your heels are clicking so hard, and why are you running down those steps?...Diks baby whats on atleast tell me...
" I am getting stifled I need space,time out, don't worry I'll be fine"...
You have left your cell...Arrey take that atleast...
'Click Clack...'
Whats wrong with her? Its not like her to take off like this, anyways she said she'll be fine lets get back to work people....
"Mam its drizzling outside, the winds are hard... take care..."
Thanks, I will...
Cold winds slapped my face, Ah some sensation... All the numbness crowding around my mind, I raised my face up a little for some more onslaught from nature... Its true am jinxed...its true its over...its true...am cursed... I can still hear Andy's voice ringing in my ears... Andy who u ask? Well my boss..I won't call him my editor anymore, because its not about creativity anymore, its about selling your life..Anecdotes they call it Huh!!!...
"You do not have any funny moments in your life? you do not have any moments made special in your life? You haven't had people go out of their way to make your life special for you? You haven't faced triumph or tasted hardcore defeat? You don't have nostalgic moments with your friends? You don't even work to try and create those moments? what are you? who are? What I mean to say why have you wasted 24 years of life like this? " Sir I have been a good friend, a good daughter, a good citizen. "Ha console yourself... you haven't been a good person Diksha, you have just overestimated yourself... I mean is it possible that no one finds a special moment in life, something that sets it apart...fine no anecdote with friends, school, college, masscom. course, life, home???? nothing...and you tell me you have been the ideal citizen !!! quit kidding yourself get a life.."
.
"Oh and by the way, all the anecdotes written in your column are they for real?" No sir.." I figured so... Go create something and fill that column, but girl am fond of you, you know that so I'd advise you, go get a life or you'll be like the Unknown Citizen. W.H.Auden... I am sure you have read that poem... cause your knowledge has never been in question...."
No No I won't I just won't let his words get to me... Ah! this wind is getting to wild for my likes, I'd better start walking...
Diksha? 'present mam'... where are you?? Ah there I am look at the last bench... ok the class gets over...oh see there I am at the lunch break...Alone?? uh ya sitting alone...uh you see my friend whom I eat lunch with, well she was not well, so.... yeah no one else, actually I spoke to everyone in class, and was friendly with them, but when it came to writing letters to best friends I somehow wasn't there on any letter...
'Diksha!!' hi didi... 'How are you?' am fine, you? ' your mom said you were not well?' nah am fine now...ok come sit.... Well why are you quiet Diksha??? oh cause everyone is talking and am listening, I have nothing to contribute... nothing?? Well yes I have, but no one is interested in listening... it's better to hold your tongue than make others listen to you by force..right?? Hmmmm... Lets go
Beep Beep Beep Beep... " can't you see where are you going?? Pay attention!!!' Sorry I didn't realise...
Yeah so Andy wants me to create an anecdote about my life even though I don't have one, to make me seem interesting, so that I don't get isolated further, so that I strive to achieve what I lost out on... How could he ask me such a thing?? Doesn't he realise he killed an already dead soul?? I am loving this cold winds...for one it seems am not walking alone, its like it's talking to me...
Lets continue Diksha... what where? lets continue Walking...
School again? why? that was kindergarten Diksha... My life doesn't change with every year... lets go there once we are already here...please?? Oh ok? but before that am I so gullible that you talk me into things with so much ease?? (smile)... I don't like that deceptive smile of yours.... there you are, hey it seems you are enjoying yourself, people are listening to you... Oh yeah? nah, it was a free class, and they had tired themselves out with their chats so for a change they got a new speaker to listen to, Its temporary 5 minutes later they all leave the class, and me alone? so why didn't you go along with them? I hardly know what they were talking about, I don't gossip, so am clueless about what they are thinking or doing... there are your two best friends!!! its ok, it's the same with them, I am there when they need, and they don't even bother telling me when they bunk..
Ok lets go to your family... Noooo don't even go there, you know nah they have faced so much problems, why trouble me with reminding that.... Ok I agree, you have seen a lot in your life, broken relations, deceit, dishonesty, floundering of care, hatred, and unconditional love to be met with spite... we'll leave that... but lets see your relatives attitude towards you...what they think about you.. Eeks I knew, I knew, you'd come to that... I won't see it, you do if you want to... " Diksha well hello, I think that female is just a farce...I mean she is too sweet to be true yaar, come on how can anyone be so nice and goody-goody types...to top it an amazing student, creative, friendly...etc etc is not she cliche'd..." " she is as true as a fools gold" " Come on yaar lets not go and talk to her...let her be alone miss-goody-two-shoes.. she deserves it..always excelling in whatever I do...my parents keep comparing me to her"
Yikes, why did u take me there? they are so acidic...It hurts my ears... yet u still ignore it, and pretend not to have heard it and don't do anything about it... well if they are convinced am bad, so let them be, why shall i try and change myself...??
Ok college or workplace? Workplace...definitely not college...those were not the best days of my life...by the way...why is it getting hotter by the minute? Am feeling hot not only under my collars, but also I feel we are approaching something hotter...Its like a swift change in the weather is taking place...Its stiffling me... Hello! where did you go now? Hello!!! you there?? where are you??
WOW!!! again someone left me midway!!! Amazingly I didn't even know who it was!!! but its getting remarkably hotter... OH! there's my office letsee... but ....
"Dia, any idea where Diksha has been to? she left two hours back..she seemed upset no news yet?? "
"Well Andy when she was running down I asked her where she was going, she asked me not to worry...so, why shall I? Don't you either, she'd be back soon.."
"You know I think I was a little rude to her...I hurt her emotions, I was ruthless"
"Why are you so concerned she knows how to take care of herself...she is ready to help others... others are not ready to help her...so, what's your problem? Can't we just complete the project...??"
"No, cause your wok she was finishing...."
God! its getting hotter by the minute... Why I have realised one thing, my niceness is to be blamed! I am genuinely concerned for others, make it my con... No body cares for me is again my fault...It means that I haven't been able to maintain relations..That somehow, somewhere something is wrong with me...My insecurity with myself, or my trust in others...My compassion in others, or my critique of my ownself have all been turned on their heads, and are now punishing me.. Now I know why is it getting hot.Its the fire of trial...Fire of self justice, self questioning.. I have to cross this fire...Unscathed, unburnt...
You are not guilty...people don't realise the worth of true gems..no body caring for you, has been dismissed as your con of expecting bigger things, not settling for small..it makes you individualistic, immature and greedy..Makes you seem irrational and flawed..But that is the world's way of defending themselves...Of protecting their name and fame...You are plain unlucky to not have warm moments filled with love, care and tenderness... Sorry
Don't be I am not...his fire burnt all my misgiving, my self questioning, my self denials, In place is hope for someone who values me, a happy attitude, and benevolence...Let people question why I can't find a single Happy and tender moment..or an embarrassing and horrible moment..I am the way I am and the light would shine on me..Everyone have their time in on the center stage under spotlight... I'll have mine...People don't believe in me, because they are not nice and can't believe in goodness of others
From this Trial of Fire I rise as the Phoenix, from my very own ashes... Oh and wind I know You didn't go anywhere or leave me, you came inside me as my alter ego!
Ouch Diksha your heels are clicking so hard, and why are you running down those steps?...Diks baby whats on atleast tell me...
" I am getting stifled I need space,time out, don't worry I'll be fine"...
You have left your cell...Arrey take that atleast...
'Click Clack...'
Whats wrong with her? Its not like her to take off like this, anyways she said she'll be fine lets get back to work people....
"Mam its drizzling outside, the winds are hard... take care..."
Thanks, I will...
Cold winds slapped my face, Ah some sensation... All the numbness crowding around my mind, I raised my face up a little for some more onslaught from nature... Its true am jinxed...its true its over...its true...am cursed... I can still hear Andy's voice ringing in my ears... Andy who u ask? Well my boss..I won't call him my editor anymore, because its not about creativity anymore, its about selling your life..Anecdotes they call it Huh!!!...
"You do not have any funny moments in your life? you do not have any moments made special in your life? You haven't had people go out of their way to make your life special for you? You haven't faced triumph or tasted hardcore defeat? You don't have nostalgic moments with your friends? You don't even work to try and create those moments? what are you? who are? What I mean to say why have you wasted 24 years of life like this? " Sir I have been a good friend, a good daughter, a good citizen. "Ha console yourself... you haven't been a good person Diksha, you have just overestimated yourself... I mean is it possible that no one finds a special moment in life, something that sets it apart...fine no anecdote with friends, school, college, masscom. course, life, home???? nothing...and you tell me you have been the ideal citizen !!! quit kidding yourself get a life.."
.
"Oh and by the way, all the anecdotes written in your column are they for real?" No sir.." I figured so... Go create something and fill that column, but girl am fond of you, you know that so I'd advise you, go get a life or you'll be like the Unknown Citizen. W.H.Auden... I am sure you have read that poem... cause your knowledge has never been in question...."
No No I won't I just won't let his words get to me... Ah! this wind is getting to wild for my likes, I'd better start walking...
Diksha? 'present mam'... where are you?? Ah there I am look at the last bench... ok the class gets over...oh see there I am at the lunch break...Alone?? uh ya sitting alone...uh you see my friend whom I eat lunch with, well she was not well, so.... yeah no one else, actually I spoke to everyone in class, and was friendly with them, but when it came to writing letters to best friends I somehow wasn't there on any letter...
'Diksha!!' hi didi... 'How are you?' am fine, you? ' your mom said you were not well?' nah am fine now...ok come sit.... Well why are you quiet Diksha??? oh cause everyone is talking and am listening, I have nothing to contribute... nothing?? Well yes I have, but no one is interested in listening... it's better to hold your tongue than make others listen to you by force..right?? Hmmmm... Lets go
Beep Beep Beep Beep... " can't you see where are you going?? Pay attention!!!' Sorry I didn't realise...
Yeah so Andy wants me to create an anecdote about my life even though I don't have one, to make me seem interesting, so that I don't get isolated further, so that I strive to achieve what I lost out on... How could he ask me such a thing?? Doesn't he realise he killed an already dead soul?? I am loving this cold winds...for one it seems am not walking alone, its like it's talking to me...
Lets continue Diksha... what where? lets continue Walking...
School again? why? that was kindergarten Diksha... My life doesn't change with every year... lets go there once we are already here...please?? Oh ok? but before that am I so gullible that you talk me into things with so much ease?? (smile)... I don't like that deceptive smile of yours.... there you are, hey it seems you are enjoying yourself, people are listening to you... Oh yeah? nah, it was a free class, and they had tired themselves out with their chats so for a change they got a new speaker to listen to, Its temporary 5 minutes later they all leave the class, and me alone? so why didn't you go along with them? I hardly know what they were talking about, I don't gossip, so am clueless about what they are thinking or doing... there are your two best friends!!! its ok, it's the same with them, I am there when they need, and they don't even bother telling me when they bunk..
Ok lets go to your family... Noooo don't even go there, you know nah they have faced so much problems, why trouble me with reminding that.... Ok I agree, you have seen a lot in your life, broken relations, deceit, dishonesty, floundering of care, hatred, and unconditional love to be met with spite... we'll leave that... but lets see your relatives attitude towards you...what they think about you.. Eeks I knew, I knew, you'd come to that... I won't see it, you do if you want to... " Diksha well hello, I think that female is just a farce...I mean she is too sweet to be true yaar, come on how can anyone be so nice and goody-goody types...to top it an amazing student, creative, friendly...etc etc is not she cliche'd..." " she is as true as a fools gold" " Come on yaar lets not go and talk to her...let her be alone miss-goody-two-shoes.. she deserves it..always excelling in whatever I do...my parents keep comparing me to her"
Yikes, why did u take me there? they are so acidic...It hurts my ears... yet u still ignore it, and pretend not to have heard it and don't do anything about it... well if they are convinced am bad, so let them be, why shall i try and change myself...??
Ok college or workplace? Workplace...definitely not college...those were not the best days of my life...by the way...why is it getting hotter by the minute? Am feeling hot not only under my collars, but also I feel we are approaching something hotter...Its like a swift change in the weather is taking place...Its stiffling me... Hello! where did you go now? Hello!!! you there?? where are you??
WOW!!! again someone left me midway!!! Amazingly I didn't even know who it was!!! but its getting remarkably hotter... OH! there's my office letsee... but ....
"Dia, any idea where Diksha has been to? she left two hours back..she seemed upset no news yet?? "
"Well Andy when she was running down I asked her where she was going, she asked me not to worry...so, why shall I? Don't you either, she'd be back soon.."
"You know I think I was a little rude to her...I hurt her emotions, I was ruthless"
"Why are you so concerned she knows how to take care of herself...she is ready to help others... others are not ready to help her...so, what's your problem? Can't we just complete the project...??"
"No, cause your wok she was finishing...."
God! its getting hotter by the minute... Why I have realised one thing, my niceness is to be blamed! I am genuinely concerned for others, make it my con... No body cares for me is again my fault...It means that I haven't been able to maintain relations..That somehow, somewhere something is wrong with me...My insecurity with myself, or my trust in others...My compassion in others, or my critique of my ownself have all been turned on their heads, and are now punishing me.. Now I know why is it getting hot.Its the fire of trial...Fire of self justice, self questioning.. I have to cross this fire...Unscathed, unburnt...
You are not guilty...people don't realise the worth of true gems..no body caring for you, has been dismissed as your con of expecting bigger things, not settling for small..it makes you individualistic, immature and greedy..Makes you seem irrational and flawed..But that is the world's way of defending themselves...Of protecting their name and fame...You are plain unlucky to not have warm moments filled with love, care and tenderness... Sorry
Don't be I am not...his fire burnt all my misgiving, my self questioning, my self denials, In place is hope for someone who values me, a happy attitude, and benevolence...Let people question why I can't find a single Happy and tender moment..or an embarrassing and horrible moment..I am the way I am and the light would shine on me..Everyone have their time in on the center stage under spotlight... I'll have mine...People don't believe in me, because they are not nice and can't believe in goodness of others
From this Trial of Fire I rise as the Phoenix, from my very own ashes... Oh and wind I know You didn't go anywhere or leave me, you came inside me as my alter ego!
Thursday, July 12
My addictions!!!
Well to mention my addictions is like trying to write a the worlds longest book :D.... but I'll write about my favorite ones:
Naughty me, lives for:
Chocolates... its my pet passion...am addicted to it...its the meal which u can give me at 7 o'clock in the morning... but this too am very picky about... No wafers or nuts... just plain chocolate, or caramel...I also love Dark chocolate...according to my friends am the only mad person who can have a 90% dark chocolate :)... 5Star, Dairy Milk, Lindt-swiss thins, loads and loads make the list...
Books... Give me a book in a language I can read and leave me alone with it... cause till I complete a book I start I can't rest in peace... I get lost in the world of books, its like I pick one character and then that person is me... I love Sons of fortune, Shall we tell the president, My life by Bill clinton...so many
Gmail: I mine this is so addictive...archive, no delete, simple star important mails... If u have to find an year old mail just search... Don't know what exactly is in the mail search u'll find... Chatting with friends has never been easier...It saves chat history so u can go through them over and over... So so user friendly yaar come on... It also gives u mails as conversations...I have been using it for nearly 2 years now...ever since it was launched
My contact Lenses.: am addicted to my fresh vision... I need to wear them as soon as I take a bath and I don't open them till before I go to sleep...I wear them for nearly 18 hours!!! I need to change or dispose them every 15 days... its necessary for my fresh vision... I took my contacts before my glasses...and its been 10 years now!!!
Google ask me to find anything, even a telephone number written in my telephone diary, and chances are I'd search google for it...A movie review, hotel bookings, Research for seminars, time pass/waste just about anything... Oh! I once searched myself also :-) didn't find myself though, so since then my ambition has become to appear on google search :-)
Yapping: ok so someone told me that all girls yap, so am not special...but that lucky guy hasn't spoken to me yet to realise when I talk, its time to run for covers... cause I don't know the meaning of shut up!!!
Drives: I need to go out on a drive just about anywhere, but can't stay at home for too long..:-)
Cooking: how could this not be there on the list? I am a doctors delight (ufff cause I send so many patients to them baba...) If I had it my way, I'd cook all three meals a day... I have been cooking since I was 5...and seriously speaking, only criticism I can't stand about , is any which comes for my cooking...
Last but not the least Music: John Denver in Leaving on a Jet plane, or George Micheal in Careless Whisper, Roan Keating in When u say nothing at all,or any english blues or Mohammad Rafi or Mukesh or Kishore Kumar or Atif or any slow songsinger am down... I dont need anything more in the day... no wonder people are complaining that am going deaf !!!
So next time when I say I was busy with any of the above mentioned things, don't say I was whiling my time Please...baby am addicted ;-) (its a song )
Naughty me, lives for:
Chocolates... its my pet passion...am addicted to it...its the meal which u can give me at 7 o'clock in the morning... but this too am very picky about... No wafers or nuts... just plain chocolate, or caramel...I also love Dark chocolate...according to my friends am the only mad person who can have a 90% dark chocolate :)... 5Star, Dairy Milk, Lindt-swiss thins, loads and loads make the list...
Books... Give me a book in a language I can read and leave me alone with it... cause till I complete a book I start I can't rest in peace... I get lost in the world of books, its like I pick one character and then that person is me... I love Sons of fortune, Shall we tell the president, My life by Bill clinton...so many
Gmail: I mine this is so addictive...archive, no delete, simple star important mails... If u have to find an year old mail just search... Don't know what exactly is in the mail search u'll find... Chatting with friends has never been easier...It saves chat history so u can go through them over and over... So so user friendly yaar come on... It also gives u mails as conversations...I have been using it for nearly 2 years now...ever since it was launched
My contact Lenses.: am addicted to my fresh vision... I need to wear them as soon as I take a bath and I don't open them till before I go to sleep...I wear them for nearly 18 hours!!! I need to change or dispose them every 15 days... its necessary for my fresh vision... I took my contacts before my glasses...and its been 10 years now!!!
Google ask me to find anything, even a telephone number written in my telephone diary, and chances are I'd search google for it...A movie review, hotel bookings, Research for seminars, time pass/waste just about anything... Oh! I once searched myself also :-) didn't find myself though, so since then my ambition has become to appear on google search :-)
Yapping: ok so someone told me that all girls yap, so am not special...but that lucky guy hasn't spoken to me yet to realise when I talk, its time to run for covers... cause I don't know the meaning of shut up!!!
Drives: I need to go out on a drive just about anywhere, but can't stay at home for too long..:-)
Cooking: how could this not be there on the list? I am a doctors delight (ufff cause I send so many patients to them baba...) If I had it my way, I'd cook all three meals a day... I have been cooking since I was 5...and seriously speaking, only criticism I can't stand about , is any which comes for my cooking...
Last but not the least Music: John Denver in Leaving on a Jet plane, or George Micheal in Careless Whisper, Roan Keating in When u say nothing at all,or any english blues or Mohammad Rafi or Mukesh or Kishore Kumar or Atif or any slow songsinger am down... I dont need anything more in the day... no wonder people are complaining that am going deaf !!!
So next time when I say I was busy with any of the above mentioned things, don't say I was whiling my time Please...baby am addicted ;-) (its a song )
Friday, June 15
My definition of Friendship
Noooo I hadn't wanted to write this ever but am being emotionally blackmailed and coerced into writing this...
A friend of mine told me something yesterday which aptly sums up my views on friendship "A true friend is someone who can make me feel secure, happy about my incompleteness and when am walking in the rain can differentiate my tears from rain..."
I love walking in the rain...so I have had numerous occasions where my tears go unnoticed, and I like it that way, but the dreary of life is that even though I like it that way, my hope still desires that special someone who can distinguish that tear...who could read my eyes and say you are crying..Cause if you ever notice the eyes always change colour when you cry...they are red:)
What wouldn't make me a good friend would be my listening or understanding skills...whether or not I am a nice person or not...whether I am impatient or not...what would matter would be how well we understand each other...Its like knowing the mood swings without saying...Its about not having to constantly explain yourself... its about making each other secure as a person by sharing your incompleteness... Its not about being there in the happier times, when everyone else is available... Its about being taken for granted, that when it rains and pours, you'd be the umbrella...the rest months you are forgotten....
The one with whom your worst pj's come out, the one with whom you embarrass yourself the most, the one whose daily routine you know like yours....you could constantly bug about doing something, you could call yell and hangup without reason :)
I know it's like asking for perfection but what I mean is ADORATION :)
A friend of mine told me something yesterday which aptly sums up my views on friendship "A true friend is someone who can make me feel secure, happy about my incompleteness and when am walking in the rain can differentiate my tears from rain..."
I love walking in the rain...so I have had numerous occasions where my tears go unnoticed, and I like it that way, but the dreary of life is that even though I like it that way, my hope still desires that special someone who can distinguish that tear...who could read my eyes and say you are crying..Cause if you ever notice the eyes always change colour when you cry...they are red:)
What wouldn't make me a good friend would be my listening or understanding skills...whether or not I am a nice person or not...whether I am impatient or not...what would matter would be how well we understand each other...Its like knowing the mood swings without saying...Its about not having to constantly explain yourself... its about making each other secure as a person by sharing your incompleteness... Its not about being there in the happier times, when everyone else is available... Its about being taken for granted, that when it rains and pours, you'd be the umbrella...the rest months you are forgotten....
The one with whom your worst pj's come out, the one with whom you embarrass yourself the most, the one whose daily routine you know like yours....you could constantly bug about doing something, you could call yell and hangup without reason :)
I know it's like asking for perfection but what I mean is ADORATION :)
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