Tagged

Tagged by Bhavesh

I am thinking about: That I think too much, and thinking is a waste of time, so I am thinking that I should stop thinking…

I said: Everybody loves u, just the way they know how to love, not the way u expect them too…

I want to: Be on a waterside, with cool breeze, beach and a small hill to climb…

I wish: That I was a shade of goodness, as some people perceive me to be ..( sachchi, promise)

I regret: Having no regrets in life… I wouldn’t have done anything I haven’t, or change anything I have

I hear: Silence drumming, my own heartbeats, and the click clack of my keyboard…( my a.c is actually noiseless!!! Wow!) oh and now ma yelling to have breakfast (sheesh! Just my life) :D

I am: A glass of wine…

I dance: Well I am rolling with laughter at the mere thought of my dancing

I sing : the songs of bravery for those who can manage this Herculean task!!!

I cry: Alone.

I am not: What u think I am

I write: to reach out...( to whom I don’t know)

I confuse: Patience with hard work

I need: Togetherness

I tag Nobody…some lessons learnt the hard way are not forgotten

Embers of Smile

It began with a whisper
But grew and grew
Until I felt certain
The source must be you
Why did you smile
While I listened and then
Turn away as their faces
Felt
Silent
Again


What had you told them
That slammed shut their looks
Like end of a lesson
With unpopular books?
What was the writing
Which I couldn't see
As it hid between the covers and
pointed
at
me...

Nothing much could have happened
For by the next day
We were laughing and chatting
And managed to stay
Well after a fashion
Good friends for a while
But always between us
The Ghost of that
smile

A passionate affair

Dear Diary

I was talking to Sonu today, and he asked me a question out of the blue... He was like 'what do u want to do in life? Whats your one dream?' then he was like 'Get married, have a happy family, support ur family...right?' and I was like ,'Nope, Yes I do want all that, but thats my desire, my need, my want, but definitely not my dream.. My dream is too serve you that dish, which can make u go feel hungry, even after having a Gourmet cuisine... My dream is to make your food, an experience, not a fancy... My dream is to make you Live to Eat, and not Eat to Live... So jaan, its my restaurant...' and he was like, ' Ahhh!!! so thats what you doing, making your passion your work, so that u never work again...' God!! when will my baby use his original dialogues...Sonu will always copy my dialogues, and will say, 'am learning from the great, consider it my lesson well learnt...' Then very suddenly he was like, 'Why do u love cooking so much?'

And right then he had to hang up, but he gave me fodder for thought...'Yeah I had told you, thinking is such a waste of time, but what to do, an empty brain is devil's workshop, and am the devils advocate, so I can't let my employer stray, can I?

I have been cooking since I was 5...Before that, I remember when Ma used to go in the kitchen to make dinner, I always tagged behind her like an uncute chimp, or an assistant... I distinctly remember Ma hauling me up on the kitchen counter and then cooking... Watching my mom cook, is more than just an experience, you get introduced to a new concept, which is called creating tangible love... Ma's a Bible for cooking...the way she'd cook was mechanical, perfect to a fault, with every ingredient knowing its work, like when you have a party at home, and invite people over, the entire family has their task divided...and everyone performs to the best of their ability, why to make the party a success, and why that? well to have that sense of deja` vu, that feeling of accomplishment, that benchmark which u need to break to climb higher... Well that was just the conspiracy hatched by Ma and her ingredients...

For me it was a more than just a hobby or passion...It meant heritage...I dont strange that I call it heritage, but somehow I feel this is what my Ma passed on to me, that this my tribute to her skills, my homage...
Apart from that, (u know am a little emotional when it comes to Ma, and my relation with her :), so am scared nazar na lag jaaye, isiliye I dont discuss it a lot..), just the thought of creating a dish which essentially makes u forgt all your stress, bring u back alive, ignite a want, make u feel something is what good food is all about.. Its not about exotic dishes from unknown, far fetched places, its not about new cuisines, its not about signature dishes, its about recreating the magic of food... We have forgotten that down the line, why we all work so hard is for food... Its what drives to everything...and somehow we take that for granted... grabbing a bite on our way out, checking for the calorie list, finding things to do at the dinner table... etc etc...but if u notice, the day the food is really to your liking, for that short period of 15 mins or so, till u consume that bit u are lost in a world of sensory pleasures, of sheer delight, away from any coherent thought...Well that's because God made us to enjoy his blessing food... And thats where I step in too cook...I dont want u to recognise that ok this is a trademark my dish, or its the best, its new, its different...I just want u too get so lost in the food u don't acknowledge it, to make it a passion u are guilty about discussing, to be a sense of pleasure which gels in the background of your brain, only to be remembered, when you truly remember happiness and joy..

So I ended up blowing up his cell bill, coz we spoke for nearly one hour on this (ok ok I spoke for an hour), and then we ended up discussing the interiors of my restaurant, my first client would be him, how he'd like me to serve etc etc...It was special...All conversations with him are... but during this conversation one thing was born, his dream project, which touch wood he'll implement..:)

And that dear diary, is the wonder of good food and romancing the food my hobby... I love cooking, it makes me - me...I set myself free, be the true me, for the true to be...:) hence if I have to work then why not cook, I'll make myself happy while spreading the joy....

Thinking is just such a waste of time [part 3]

Dear diary
One of the worst days of my life

U know I was helping mom do something today... I was only giving opinions when ma needed it.. Ma was in a rush...we had to go shopping for diwali also, suddenly she was like why u trying to show I am doing all the work, I do everything etc etc... I mean she was a little too harsh.. Not that I don't understand her reasons for it... She's under a lot of stress... with the constant rejection of proposal for di's marriage, the strained relation with pa, the jealously and bad vibes she has to handle of my relatives, plus pressure of bro's very new business... I know she's under a lot of stress... and I completely understand..but at times I wonder what did I do wrong to deserve this.. why am I the scapegoat from all sides, when friends are upset they leash out at me, when family is upset they lash out me..
Hang on people, I do have feelings!!! Well I guess u people have kind of forgotten, but even I think I belong to the category of people who u know feel, get hurt,like dislike kind of things...u know things called emotions etc etc.. When I genuinely don't feel I am doing anything, let alone being arrogant about saying 'I do this, do that...'
I haven't honestly done anything for anybody in life... I know that subtract me from any body's life, and it would not make much of a difference, but when ur own parent says that, it drives your insecurity wild... Ma just doesn't understand, I try hard to do everything she tells me, even more, shoulder her responsibilities, not because I think she's useless or bad it, or I am very good at it.. Nor is it because She doesn't keep well, so am doing it for pity, sympathy, for glory name or fame... I mean by how far can a parent misjudge her own child..Don't know their own child...I know ma's under stress but that doesn't, or it isn't a reason to always drive ur irritation out on me, u have to understand what I go through also...And even if that is said or done at the heat of the moment, have u ever consoled me after that... I would never want a sorry from u, dont insult me by saying I'd stoop so low, that I will make my mum apologise to me, but even a smile or a hug...or saying u said it out of frustration...a word of reassurance... No am not complaining...and even on my last day will I ever have issues with ma, but jaan at times I don't know this makes me go in a phase of self questioning...
This makes me think..why did I react...Do I really understand ma's position? or is it my complain?? If I did understand I would never be hurt, but then again, I am only human to be hurt... Am I as mature as I presume to be? Or am I completely a kid, who throws tantrums and makes life difficult for others..? Am I that useless that I cant do anything to do away or lessen their pains, I also know I cant do much about it because I havent created their problems, and its life everybody has problems, everybody faces it, but then why all at once? why my family? Why am I not a lovable person...? Do I genuinely care for me, or is it my way to charm them? Am I good or bad? Do i have any sense of purpose in life? Why am I not like my cousins and friends.? Some are really nice people to be with, and if they are not they have the looks which attract people to them and make them lovable... Why am I dull and drab, and not the nicest person to know?? Why do I have all the questions in life? Why is it that I also know I am at a age of self questioning..its the age to have questions, and wait for answers.. Why do I always contradict myself?????

God help me!!! am totally Mad....!!!!

Another day in confusing girl's life

Dear Diary
Wednesday

Oooo!!!!!!! I think I want to become a millionaire, and soon..Today I went shopping and there was this too die-for dress which i saw at Kimaya...WOW!!! I mean wow!! It was a fab fab dress yaar... It was a silk trousers in white, with this silver belt boles and a silhouette ...which just about skimmed through you... And with that an amazing pale pinkish shirt in the colour of dusty rose pink in Taffeta....it was a full sleeved, balloon sleeved shirt which then cut like a corset.... just wow...with pearl buttons sewn to it... well before u ask me the price, I don't know...as u know jaan, all these places dont have price tags, coz if u have to ask the price, then u cant afford to shop there..and I could always swipe my brother ka credit card but yaar kyun kisi ka itna favour lena?? Phir u must have a boyfriend with whom u can dress out, infact for whom u dress... Well I was thinking ek time pass ka boy friend bana le?? But then yaar, a boy friend is too high maintenance....I mean u throw attitude, make them buy gifts, but honestly speaking, if u keep aside the typical girlish things, there is so much more to a relation than having all that...its about sharing dreams, thoughts views, differences...Its about accepting u as the total mixed up difficult u...its about sharing those little tender moments...its about walking holding hands...its about caring to take medicines... Eeeekkksss!!!! too much emotions involved...Yaar if I decide tomorrow I don't like him , but he really likes me, toh both are hearts will break nad, his wid pain, and mine with hurting someone, thats why no boyfriend, hence buying that dress got cancelled....

Oh then I went to Shoppers Stop, arrey had told u nah, wanted to buy a purse for mom, aise hi, from a lot of days mom's been feeling low low kinds, so thought a surprise gift will pick her up... Went to the purses section, had it my way, I would have bought her a perfume or a watch, but Alas! Ma doesn't use all that, so I'd have to use it (Not that I would have minded ;) )but it would have defeated my purpose... Hmmm U know what I saw? No not a Giordano or a CK, that is what i bought, I saw this extremely cute guy, shopping with this little sister of his (well am sure she was his sis, not niece or daughter, because of the way he adored her with attention) for a knapsack...And he didn't seem to have the faintest clue..So where he apprehensively he approached me, I refused flat out, I mean be it a cute guy, why do I help a stranger?? But I couldn't refuse that sweet little girl...so off we went shopping for an hour, debating countlessly, on the utility and futility of the bags.. Meanwhile openly flirting with him... Obviously purposefully, I was just in a mood of charming somebody... Then finally he selected a bag for her, and then had the audacity to offer to 'gift me one as a token of remembrance for such a fine day, in such a charming company' Huh! and then request for my number for future shopping needs... Well what did you expect obviously I didn't give him my number, he was a stranger, and I don't make friends with strangers... So I very sweetly said, 'I am not interested in becoming a salesgirl, let me complete my studies, if I dont get a job I'll become one and let u know'...I can still see his dumbfounded face...!!!

Ah well I got this lovely bag for mom, in tan brown leather...sleek, stylish, yet simple...class I love it...Oh and I love my choice also ;)

So ok, I had fun, letsee what tomorrow brings home for me...Good nigh.........

Why gals are so confusing [part 1]

Dear Diary
Tuesday

I some how wonder at times, why me? Why do I always have to understand other people's problems... See things from the perspective...why do i have to consider what the other person in going through, before venting out my frustration? I mean tell me Can't I ever be angry... whenever I am angry I am told I am being unreasonable, immature, throwing a tantrum..why do people want me to grow up... I mean I always understand when you people have issues, so why don't u understand mine?

So u be angry, its ok because u r in a mess...u r having stressful issues to deal with... U r under pressure, and I am the only person who is living a life of peace and contentment...No issues, No hassles...a life as peaceful as the pond right?

I am not complaining for being there in all your problems, I am complaining that u understand me...

Arrey I am not talking Gibberish...this is what happened to me today... I was damn upset and when Sonu called I was a little rude to him...Not even rude I'd say aloof...but still fine term it rude.. And he got angry and hung up...I mean whatyaar not done... If I am rude u won't ask me whats wrong, what's worrying u, why u upset...but u'll hang up just like that...??

If I tell you I am upset want to talk about something, you will say please yaar, don't mind today am not in the mood or don't have time, but still I never never hang up on u when u upset...

When I say I am busy I do remember to ask u what was wrong then, but even when u r in a mood, or free, u don't remember to ask why I was sad, worried or whats the status on it now?

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why am I being called an immature female, who is not understanding your situation, when always I listen quietly without an issue, always understand Ur problem when u hurt me, when u ignore me, when u don't care about me, but one day I don't and I become a kid?

Okay lets leave that...Diary You know what happened today? I was coming from college on my way home...on the way I saw this very old and weak man begging on the road...He was so frail and so haggard that he moved my soul... A pitiable man, who at some point would have had the airs of a self respecting, self sacrificing person..He carried himself tall and proud...Why why do people leave their parents like that? Is it the parents mistake that they didn't leave the children to beg on the street..? How could they? The children where a part of them, their life... So why did it change for the kids? Why did they leave their parents helpless on the road, stripped of money, love, support, hope, and belief...And above of all stripped of Self respect? I tell u what give me a shot gun I'll kill all those sons... and the daughters-in-law?? do the same with her parents and they'll shut up forever...

The day I earn enough I swear that day I will build an old age home... I am 20 give me 10 more years...I will do it!!!

Ok nighti night diary...talk to you tomorrow my love am sooooo sleeepppyyyyyy

Wants

I had wanted you to be there forever
I had wanted you to be my friend
I had known the relation to change
Through sands of time
I had wanted you to feel the same

I had not wanted you to not to change
For people do,
Time makes them...
I had not wanted me to be thee
For you
I had not wanted to be a flicker less emotion

I had wanted to understand all your pains
I had wanted to reason your hurting me
I got what I wanted in my last two wishes
But you forgot to see my thoughts on a train...

You claimed I was your closest friend
That you couldn't do without me
That you cared for me
I had wanted my hopes to not soar...

Because the wants never get fulfilled
The wants ended like thee
I had wanted never to be hurt
No scope of hurt is left by thee

So never want...
There is a little rule
That grants you your want
But how it twists and turns it
You are left to figure your fault....

Searching for Love

Here I was sitting down to complete a draft of mine...there was this draft I was so keen on completing...But somehow, somehow I ended up reading my older posts... When I landed up at 'My Definition of Love' it got me thinking... That post was originally written 3 and a half years back...for my other blog. I realised even though I haven't yet fallen in Love; nor ever plan to; neither have I found a true definition of it, yet I do now admit some people do go through some deeper belonging, which they term love...

Ok my dawning was even confusing when I first felt it... I'll explain what I mean...

Love earlier for me didn't exist...or the term was superficial for me... I felt that emotion was overrated, over emphasized... It was a case of subconsciously copying someone else... I had realised that most people claimed to be in love, when someone in their knowledge had proclaimed to be in love... It was not deep... I hadn't understood that one day you were in love with someone, and the next day you were in love with another...How could that be...?? And these few points of my argument still stand...

But, what has changed is my comprehension of it... There are people who do deeply fall in 'LOVE'... One of my bestest buddy was in love... He had known the girl for a very long while, they kept in touch off and on...never regularly in touch... then one fine day this girl calls him up after years...they embark on their journey, only to realise they never knew what had crept upon them... their sense of belonging, togetherness, the comfort, their need for each other, the mutual fulfillment and sense of being came when they were with each other... They drove for hours without talking a word, and had the best conversation in their lives... But like all things change, their relation changed...their families didn't approve and they were not to be one... Even after all these setbacks the sense of belonging, longing for each other never died in each of them...they'd wait for each other onliine, wait for their calls... One hello from the other, or one miss you from the other, carried them for long...they drew strength to proceed with their lives, just in the hope it pleases the other... They felt the pain together... Time passed, they moved on...life became different for them... The girl got married, and the guy engaged... And when I asked him, Buddy are you ok with it? All he said was "Deepshikha, I don't know..." and somehow I ended up saying "she would always be special to you, the place you have given her in your life would always be hers, but its not that you give your whole heart to somebody... that's fiction...she carved a corner for herself...maybe someday you'd feel even a deeper sense of love for your fiancee, but still she'd be she...and you were and would always remain close, no matter where..."

It shocked me...I didn't know I could express a feeling so well for him, which he was struggling to explain himself...when I haven't ever believed in the concept of Love....

Then in my city there is this case of a girl, who married against the marwari rich girl's dad's wishes, to a guy from a humble muslim background. The guy was murdered by the girl's parents, following a political and media circus in the city... But what is essential to my reference to this incident is that, even though this guy is dead now, the sense of belonging that the girl had for him, made her stand up against her father, her family, even though she was in their house now, and her future insecure, for the guy who completed her...

See I don't know whether love is possible or does it exist, but there is a relation possible between two individuals, which transcends the boundaries of friendship, to a deeper sense of belonging and completion... So maybe, maybe not everybody is hopeless....


[well I am hopeless... for that matter... :) ]

Careless Smiles

A rocking party, at the happening disc...minimal conversation...great crowd...too much of kissing, no smile

A silent poolside party...mature conversation...mind-to-mind bonding...talking and drinking...who knows to smile?

A page3 party...with ah-u-have-lost-weight conversation...wallet-to-wallet bonding...boozing and boobing...is my smile right?

A kid's birthday bash...with innocent conversation...heart to heart bonding...playing and sharing.....those careless smiles...

I have so often and not been accused of leaving a grown up conversation, a party, a so-called intense discussion to join the kid bandwagon... When Deepshikha is missing, people know where to find her... It's where you'd have the kids...I don't even know who's kid or what...just an honest innocent kid...

Come on, you ask me, how could I prefer an adult company to a kid's?... sometimes its understandable but at every slight pretext? I could leave discussions, marriage ceremonies of my close relatives, the so-called fast lifestyle...the fun, running against time...wanting o outdo others... the saccharine coated smiles...the glass eyes...the cold heart...the meaningless-feeling less words... the double edged swords...race to prove us the best, while climbing on the self esteem of others...

Hey don't complain that this is not what we do...Don't we all do that? Sarcasm is our Armour...Diplomacy our honed skills...practiced measured smiles our heritage...trying to prove our self worth our ambition... Proving ourselves to be the master of all, jack of none our passion...

I am not saying, " oh! am so great..I don't indulge in it..." of course I do...To an equal extent as u do...but by running away to these children, I try to nullify the changes of the society on me...to become more human..

The most precious thing to a child is his new toy, you give it to him, he rushes to show his best friend...if his best friend doesn't have it, chances are that either the toy goes to the friend, or they share.. Even if the child feels pompous about the other not having it, in most cases the child will make sure the other person is not hurt... A child is the most sensitive to other child's hurt...

You give a kid a chocolate and he'd make sure every single person in that room has been offered that chocolate, makes sure most have it...If he doesn't share he's brave enough to admit that he can't part with his favourite stuff...

You fall down, even if the others don't rush to you, the child will be the first to ask in his so-cute voice, are you ok? and be the only person to offer to hit the ground, in-case you hurt...

A child will mean it when he says come over to my place, I wont let you go... He'll truly wish you a goodbye and will hope to see you again... If he doesn't like you will say it on your face... If he wants something in return of his deeds, will let you know...

But all this apart what is special to them is that careless smiles... they don't think before smiling for whom or what...they don't care if you return their smile or not...they don't care whether you work for this firm, or own that firm..They don't care if they are smiling in a condolence... They cry when they want, they love unconditionally and love with no holds barred...

Their smiles is untouched by society...their love for their mom genuine, their idolising their dad true, and thier innocent smiles an analgesic....

So to turn back the clock of my growing up, I find solace in children...Lay all accusal's on my door...

GUILTY as charged

A trial by fire

'Click clack click clack'...

Ouch Diksha your heels are clicking so hard, and why are you running down those steps?...Diks baby whats on atleast tell me...
" I am getting stifled I need space,time out, don't worry I'll be fine"...
You have left your cell...Arrey take that atleast...

'Click Clack...'
Whats wrong with her? Its not like her to take off like this, anyways she said she'll be fine lets get back to work people....

"Mam its drizzling outside, the winds are hard... take care..."
Thanks, I will...

Cold winds slapped my face, Ah some sensation... All the numbness crowding around my mind, I raised my face up a little for some more onslaught from nature... Its true am jinxed...its true its over...its true...am cursed... I can still hear Andy's voice ringing in my ears... Andy who u ask? Well my boss..I won't call him my editor anymore, because its not about creativity anymore, its about selling your life..Anecdotes they call it Huh!!!...

"You do not have any funny moments in your life? you do not have any moments made special in your life? You haven't had people go out of their way to make your life special for you? You haven't faced triumph or tasted hardcore defeat? You don't have nostalgic moments with your friends? You don't even work to try and create those moments? what are you? who are? What I mean to say why have you wasted 24 years of life like this? " Sir I have been a good friend, a good daughter, a good citizen. "Ha console yourself... you haven't been a good person Diksha, you have just overestimated yourself... I mean is it possible that no one finds a special moment in life, something that sets it apart...fine no anecdote with friends, school, college, masscom. course, life, home???? nothing...and you tell me you have been the ideal citizen !!! quit kidding yourself get a life.."
.
"Oh and by the way, all the anecdotes written in your column are they for real?" No sir.." I figured so... Go create something and fill that column, but girl am fond of you, you know that so I'd advise you, go get a life or you'll be like the Unknown Citizen. W.H.Auden... I am sure you have read that poem... cause your knowledge has never been in question...."

No No I won't I just won't let his words get to me... Ah! this wind is getting to wild for my likes, I'd better start walking...

Diksha? 'present mam'... where are you?? Ah there I am look at the last bench... ok the class gets over...oh see there I am at the lunch break...Alone?? uh ya sitting alone...uh you see my friend whom I eat lunch with, well she was not well, so.... yeah no one else, actually I spoke to everyone in class, and was friendly with them, but when it came to writing letters to best friends I somehow wasn't there on any letter...

'Diksha!!' hi didi... 'How are you?' am fine, you? ' your mom said you were not well?' nah am fine now...ok come sit.... Well why are you quiet Diksha??? oh cause everyone is talking and am listening, I have nothing to contribute... nothing?? Well yes I have, but no one is interested in listening... it's better to hold your tongue than make others listen to you by force..right?? Hmmmm... Lets go


Beep Beep Beep Beep... " can't you see where are you going?? Pay attention!!!' Sorry I didn't realise...

Yeah so Andy wants me to create an anecdote about my life even though I don't have one, to make me seem interesting, so that I don't get isolated further, so that I strive to achieve what I lost out on... How could he ask me such a thing?? Doesn't he realise he killed an already dead soul?? I am loving this cold winds...for one it seems am not walking alone, its like it's talking to me...

Lets continue Diksha... what where? lets continue Walking...
School again? why? that was kindergarten Diksha... My life doesn't change with every year... lets go there once we are already here...please?? Oh ok? but before that am I so gullible that you talk me into things with so much ease?? (smile)... I don't like that deceptive smile of yours.... there you are, hey it seems you are enjoying yourself, people are listening to you... Oh yeah? nah, it was a free class, and they had tired themselves out with their chats so for a change they got a new speaker to listen to, Its temporary 5 minutes later they all leave the class, and me alone? so why didn't you go along with them? I hardly know what they were talking about, I don't gossip, so am clueless about what they are thinking or doing... there are your two best friends!!! its ok, it's the same with them, I am there when they need, and they don't even bother telling me when they bunk..

Ok lets go to your family... Noooo don't even go there, you know nah they have faced so much problems, why trouble me with reminding that.... Ok I agree, you have seen a lot in your life, broken relations, deceit, dishonesty, floundering of care, hatred, and unconditional love to be met with spite... we'll leave that... but lets see your relatives attitude towards you...what they think about you.. Eeks I knew, I knew, you'd come to that... I won't see it, you do if you want to... " Diksha well hello, I think that female is just a farce...I mean she is too sweet to be true yaar, come on how can anyone be so nice and goody-goody types...to top it an amazing student, creative, friendly...etc etc is not she cliche'd..." " she is as true as a fools gold" " Come on yaar lets not go and talk to her...let her be alone miss-goody-two-shoes.. she deserves it..always excelling in whatever I do...my parents keep comparing me to her"

Yikes, why did u take me there? they are so acidic...It hurts my ears... yet u still ignore it, and pretend not to have heard it and don't do anything about it... well if they are convinced am bad, so let them be, why shall i try and change myself...??

Ok college or workplace? Workplace...definitely not college...those were not the best days of my life...by the way...why is it getting hotter by the minute? Am feeling hot not only under my collars, but also I feel we are approaching something hotter...Its like a swift change in the weather is taking place...Its stiffling me... Hello! where did you go now? Hello!!! you there?? where are you??
WOW!!! again someone left me midway!!! Amazingly I didn't even know who it was!!! but its getting remarkably hotter... OH! there's my office letsee... but ....

"Dia, any idea where Diksha has been to? she left two hours back..she seemed upset no news yet?? "
"Well Andy when she was running down I asked her where she was going, she asked me not to worry...so, why shall I? Don't you either, she'd be back soon.."
"You know I think I was a little rude to her...I hurt her emotions, I was ruthless"
"Why are you so concerned she knows how to take care of herself...she is ready to help others... others are not ready to help her...so, what's your problem? Can't we just complete the project...??"
"No, cause your wok she was finishing...."

God! its getting hotter by the minute... Why I have realised one thing, my niceness is to be blamed! I am genuinely concerned for others, make it my con... No body cares for me is again my fault...It means that I haven't been able to maintain relations..That somehow, somewhere something is wrong with me...My insecurity with myself, or my trust in others...My compassion in others, or my critique of my ownself have all been turned on their heads, and are now punishing me.. Now I know why is it getting hot.Its the fire of trial...Fire of self justice, self questioning.. I have to cross this fire...Unscathed, unburnt...

You are not guilty...people don't realise the worth of true gems..no body caring for you, has been dismissed as your con of expecting bigger things, not settling for small..it makes you individualistic, immature and greedy..Makes you seem irrational and flawed..But that is the world's way of defending themselves...Of protecting their name and fame...You are plain unlucky to not have warm moments filled with love, care and tenderness... Sorry

Don't be I am not...his fire burnt all my misgiving, my self questioning, my self denials, In place is hope for someone who values me, a happy attitude, and benevolence...Let people question why I can't find a single Happy and tender moment..or an embarrassing and horrible moment..I am the way I am and the light would shine on me..Everyone have their time in on the center stage under spotlight... I'll have mine...People don't believe in me, because they are not nice and can't believe in goodness of others

From this Trial of Fire I rise as the Phoenix, from my very own ashes... Oh and wind I know You didn't go anywhere or leave me, you came inside me as my alter ego!

My addictions!!!

Well to mention my addictions is like trying to write a the worlds longest book :D.... but I'll write about my favorite ones:

Naughty me, lives for:

Chocolates... its my pet passion...am addicted to it...its the meal which u can give me at 7 o'clock in the morning... but this too am very picky about... No wafers or nuts... just plain chocolate, or caramel...I also love Dark chocolate...according to my friends am the only mad person who can have a 90% dark chocolate :)... 5Star, Dairy Milk, Lindt-swiss thins, loads and loads make the list...

Books... Give me a book in a language I can read and leave me alone with it... cause till I complete a book I start I can't rest in peace... I get lost in the world of books, its like I pick one character and then that person is me... I love Sons of fortune, Shall we tell the president, My life by Bill clinton...so many

Gmail: I mine this is so addictive...archive, no delete, simple star important mails... If u have to find an year old mail just search... Don't know what exactly is in the mail search u'll find... Chatting with friends has never been easier...It saves chat history so u can go through them over and over... So so user friendly yaar come on... It also gives u mails as conversations...I have been using it for nearly 2 years now...ever since it was launched

My contact Lenses.: am addicted to my fresh vision... I need to wear them as soon as I take a bath and I don't open them till before I go to sleep...I wear them for nearly 18 hours!!! I need to change or dispose them every 15 days... its necessary for my fresh vision... I took my contacts before my glasses...and its been 10 years now!!!

Google ask me to find anything, even a telephone number written in my telephone diary, and chances are I'd search google for it...A movie review, hotel bookings, Research for seminars, time pass/waste just about anything... Oh! I once searched myself also :-) didn't find myself though, so since then my ambition has become to appear on google search :-)

Yapping: ok so someone told me that all girls yap, so am not special...but that lucky guy hasn't spoken to me yet to realise when I talk, its time to run for covers... cause I don't know the meaning of shut up!!!

Drives: I need to go out on a drive just about anywhere, but can't stay at home for too long..:-)

Cooking: how could this not be there on the list? I am a doctors delight (ufff cause I send so many patients to them baba...) If I had it my way, I'd cook all three meals a day... I have been cooking since I was 5...and seriously speaking, only criticism I can't stand about , is any which comes for my cooking...

Last but not the least Music: John Denver in Leaving on a Jet plane, or George Micheal in Careless Whisper, Roan Keating in When u say nothing at all,or any english blues or Mohammad Rafi or Mukesh or Kishore Kumar or Atif or any slow songsinger am down... I dont need anything more in the day... no wonder people are complaining that am going deaf !!!

So next time when I say I was busy with any of the above mentioned things, don't say I was whiling my time Please...baby am addicted ;-) (its a song )

My definition of Friendship

Noooo I hadn't wanted to write this ever but am being emotionally blackmailed and coerced into writing this...

A friend of mine told me something yesterday which aptly sums up my views on friendship

"A true friend is someone who can make me feel secure, happy about my incompleteness and when am walking in the rain can differentiate my tears from rain..."
I love walking in the rain...so I have had numerous occasions where my tears go unnoticed, and I like it that way, but the dreary of life is that even though I like it that way, my hope still desires that special someone who can distinguish that tear...who could read my eyes and say you are crying..Cause if you ever notice the eyes always change colour when you cry...they are red:)

What wouldn't make me a good friend would be my listening or understanding skills...whether or not I am a nice person or not...whether I am impatient or not...what would matter would be how well we understand each other...Its like knowing the mood swings without saying...Its about not having to constantly explain yourself... its about making each other secure as a person by sharing your incompleteness... Its not about being there in the happier times, when everyone else is available... Its about being taken for granted, that when it rains and pours, you'd be the umbrella...the rest months you are forgotten....

The one with whom your worst pj's come out, the one with whom you embarrass yourself the most, the one whose daily routine you know like yours....you could constantly bug about doing something, you could call yell and hangup without reason :)

I know it's like asking for perfection but what I mean is ADORATION :)

Romancing the rain

My love story with the rain began when I was very young...I discovered it as a part of my genes... Around my birthday time when I was five it had rained very hard that day...There was a hailstorm... I remember my mom asking me whether I'd like to get wet with her... I don't remember much, but am sure I fell in love with it that very day...

The dripping of water from the higher leaves to the lower, as if tradition, heritage being passed from an older generation to a younger...
The fragrance of wet soil turned into mud, acts like an analgesic to the hound like nose in search of purity of real aromatic goodness...in short to soothe your soul...
Pitter-patter Pitter-patter the sound....its lyrical..it enchants u, mesmerizes u...It brings to u a music, a tune which is not a melody, is not a jingle nor can u hum it, but u get lost in it...
The flowers....they drink in every drop of water as if quenching their thirst of eternity...

The tranquil mood, the dark sky, the cool wind blowing its like a high...without the addictives, a natural high which spell bounds u forever...

I love the rains , and my favorite quote is undoubtedly

"I love walking in the Rain...NO one can see me cry"

For me rain is my best friend, my philosopher, my guide... I am never alone with it...

Try something when u are alone and its raining try getting wet...U will never feel alone again :)

tag

Well I wanted to write a post, but am suffering from a block...Unfinished drafts, stories and words... But still wanted to write something...so let me complete post a 'complete-it-forward' as a tag...:)

One thing about the person who sent u this: Well she knows am useless so she tries to get even, but Babes remember 'It isn't your fault, I just said I am going to blame you ;).

One thing U hate in urself: Am perfect , and perfection cannot be improved :D

Two things u'd do by ur next birthday: NOoooo my birthday is coming, so it'd be complete a book, and spend one day without yapping.

Two things u want to have been changed by ur birthday: can i push my birthday a little away?!? my block and my talkathon habit..

Three things u could say to the kid who worships u:
1) Be ur own self, everyone else is taken
2) Always listen to other people first
3) I am a friend, not a God don't worship me, walk with me am not leading u

Three things for your soul:
1) am not as bad as I think I am.
2) come on learn not to get depressed so easily
3) SHUT UP!!!!!

Four things for an Ideal lover/husband/boy friend:
1) Intelligent - most primary
2) Caring- a rare specie
3) Understanding- am blessed with friends of this kind, but ur partner also has to be so
4) Attitude- can't tolerate someone without loads of attitude

Four things that u have and will give me: Babes u r far more gifted than me!!! anyhows
1) My watch collection- admit it, mine is rocking!!
2) My brains- u have a dearth of that ;)
3) My Ability to talk a mile a minute
4) My book addiction

Five things u hate in others:
1) Arrogance
2) Superiority complex
3) Insecurity
4) Bad memory about people/relations
5) Misunderstanding people

Five things u r scared of :
1) Insects eeks
2) loosing my loved ones
3) Being misinterpreted
4) being angry
5) MYSELF;)

Six under known facts about u:
1) am a truly perfect bluffer... I can lie straight faced
2) am a great cook, even though i say it
3) I can spend hours without yapping
4) I am a die hard traditionalist
5) I am a arrogant head strong and short tempered person
6) I am the laziest person on planet earth

Six things u want the world to say about u:
1) she can talk, but not nonsense
2) she's really caring
3) awesome taste !!!
4) she has class friends (people do say it ;) )
5) ok so she's not a flirt
6) I Like Her (lol)

People I forward this too (ok tag here)
Abi (rolu polu)
Voice (Bhav)
Rohit
Ateet
Sia

am sure no one would write it :)

By best buddies :)

OK this is long long overdue.... My tributes to my close friends, I dont name them, but am sure they can figure themselves out... lol am not gonna just praise them, I promise :D

The Chocolate: This person is a true chocolate, smooth, addictive, sweet, velvety... is a superb listener but a very bad adviser....u share ur problems and this person after ur finishing will try to change the topic to such silly things in attempt to make u smile :)...but if this person thinks its worth its salt then, this person would give u advice...but never discuss it... Well a real real mature person whose too scared of getting too old... Is a delight to be with...so caring so patient that u'll end up thinking whether its real or u are dreaming...knows a real great deal about me...

The Fragrance: it stays, it fills u with a sweet smell and keeps u fresh...its classy stylish... once U have this person it'll stick no going anywhere... but like all things this person is not expressive...u won't know where u stand with it...or where this person stand with u... But one day without talking to this person is impossible....inevitable... A supremely
great adviser with great discussion skills, but weaker listening skills...the reason I guess is because it won't stand u being upset ... If it could, it'd move hell and heaven to make u happy... The only person who can argue with me and make me say i give up... Very honest....it's voice is a mirror of its feelings...probably knows the most about me

The Book: u have to read between lines to understand this person...an introvert to the core, its suave and cool, but once u start talking unbends towards the end.... Again an awesome listener and by far the bestest adviser i have known...God so patient so calm that it makes my tantrums seem like none at all!!!!! but very very under-confident of itself...never would share himself till u use emotional blackmailing...Again not expressive at all, but there 24/7...but its priorities are set...very impulsive...knows me a lot but understands me more....really sweet and always tries to change my stubborn view about something

The Toy: Is adorable, a real baby, immature, sensitive handle with care....demands ur attention patience and time...but is damn sweet....understanding on a different level...a restricted thought process...u can't change her rigid beliefs...but caring, compassionate, honest critic...we've been childhood buddies so know what to expect when...so no ego hassles nothing... a little competitive she is, but now its acceptable

The wonder: Am amazed we gossip about everything, talk about everything, shares its problems and everything but i had never even thought about sharing...Recently I got myself in a stupid muddle...and to my amazement this person was there to solve it in a jiffy with ease no questions asked, no issues just support!!!! am so surprised till now that i cant even some the thing...but one thing for sure a die-hard flirt and one of the best cupids and dil-ka-docs available!!!!

So my closest friends who happen to make me feel luckiest of all Thanks for being there

Tagged

btw voice am really sorry but when i asked u wat a tag is I hadnt meant u to tag me, it wasnt for an invitation to be tagged, so please don't get me wrong...

Tagged by Voice

*Grab the book nearest to you, turn on page 18 and find line 4.

- Well I have fictions all around me... The line is " Oh that I was just warming up, Dad"

*What is the last thing you watched on TV?
- Simpsons

*Without looking, guess what time it is?
-4.05 p.m

*Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
- 4.35 pm

*With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
- my cell ringing, and atif aslams 'kuch is tarah'

*When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
- an hour back to get a dvd for 'hustles' the bbc t.v. series

*Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
-My blog

*What are you wearing?
- Jeans and a 't'

*Did you dream last night?
-Yes. Don't talk about it though.

*When did you last laugh?
-??

*What is on the walls of the room you are in?
-Strawberry pink and my collaged snaps

*Seen anything weird lately?
-Yeah. mirror

*What do you think of this quiz?
- weird

*What is the last film you saw?
- Shootout at Lokhandwala (why?)

*If you became a multimillionaire overnight, what would you buy?
-Nothing I have every single thing money can buy

* Tell me something about you[me] that I[who tagged me] dunno.
*You know almost nothing about me. First thing first. I am not a very creative person.( lol i copied his line coz' it was the most apt one)

*If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
- Insecurity the root of all troubles.

*Do you like to dance?
-Never even think about it!!!!

*George Bush
- bushism

*Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
- well at 19 i think i have a long way to think

*Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
- Would it matter to his name him being first or second?

*Would you ever consider living abroad?
-Not really.

*What do you want GOD to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
- Hey you havent come to the wrong place yet :D.

I tag nobody, cause no one would write it:D

I, me, Deepshikha

Born under the sun sign of Gemini,
Little did this naughty girl ever cry.
Deepshikha was the name she got,
Who bought the wrath upon those who forgot.
The younger of the two siblings,
Pampered and spoilt was she but still smiling.
Adorable and shy was she,
but if she warmed up to u
A mile a minute would blabber thee
Pink and strawberry were her pet passion
Her twinkling grin was her prime attraction.
The perfect toy for elder brother
Who danced on her tunes without a bother.
Always caring and worrying
Her intelligence always went hunting
Very angry and a with short fuse
She had all the things to make her use
Ok meet the chatterbox who did 10 things a time
Who liked smells but disliked lime.
Ok have a good day
because she wrote you a poem for which you wouldnot pay


Well this poem is what I wrote in school when I was in the 6th standard for an 'english literary club' meeting, cause then I followed rules (yes i did follow them at times :D) ... I had lost it... Its an advance birthday gift for me from a friend who had it... Thanks sweets... Luv ya for this...

God! I was so arrogant of myself then :)

Ashen

Can anyone tell me, why for all my closest friends I come the second? I mean for Achal, Rehana is more important even though they broke up 6 months back due to family pressure, for Adil, Rachiyta is more important even though she doesnt care about him... I agree Rajat and Siya love each other or even Barkha and Karan, but I wonder if I ever have a problem, why am I no ones priority? why exactly is it that all of them can leave me mid- conversation and say of he/she's there and look I am sorry to leave you mid way but I have to talk to her... Or for why does one claim to be in love? does love mean avoid your friends when they need you, even though they miss an exam just to hear you cry??

Ok my next question is why do people, leave a fast live? I mean all the sportspersons, the jocks, the racers, the actors, they all live for today no worry about future no tension...they earn today spend today... they don't have roots no value for other peoples emotion anything... I mean is that a way to live?

My Final question oh forget it first answer these...

Well hang on hang on, I forgot to introduce you to myself... Am Tarini, Tarini well why do u need my full name...?? Have seen a lot in life, family problems, financial problems, marriages divorces, deaths, lottery's everything and am just 23...

Well I thought these were the most important questions of my life, till before I met Adivesh... Adi a racer who drove the formula 3 car, and lived in Germany, an Indian by birth but settled there... He answered my first question- his answer was " friends are always the dispensible part of our lives... they are like our pillows we cry on them but never air them out... we have learnt to neglect them and they are nice enough they dont complain, infact they are so sweet they take away our guilt of being bad... And the most important people in our lives is the one we love, because we know we can never take them for granted, they make their presence felt..."
I believed him

I thought maybe if I marry him I get my answer to my second question, and resolve my problem of first... So i marry Adivesh to become the priority of his life, and to prove my worth to myself... Life was like a Mills-and-Boons tale, whirl whind romance, fairy tale problems, and happily ever after... but well then that wouldn't be life... cause life has an uncanny nack of trying to prove you wrong when you just thought you understood it...

Now started the problems for me and Adi...he was a carefree happy-go-lucky
guy who lived life on the fast lane, parties, life for today...he believed in living and making people live along with him...The life of peoples live's...He was an open book...anyone can read it... And i was a very conservative person i believed in living for tomorrow, savings, being vary, thinking before acting... living life according to your terms, not let anyone dictate terms...but still we learnt to live with each other... but i was very afraid of death, of loosing Adi, going back to my life without him, i don't know what it was, my love for him, or my need for him to make me feel treasured...I was emotionally weak and he supported me... whereas I for him was his life... Our relations had a lot of ups- and - downs and i always felt that i was sacrificing myself, to make our relation last I did everything...

Then one day life mocked at me... It was only that in the morning that we had celebrated the news that our family was now going to enlarge, I was expecting our child which would give our relation a new direction, a new reason... I allowed Adi to convince me to go to the races along with him... I was in the pits, the race began, everything was going smooth, Adi was second he was fighting for the first position a tough battle which he was about to win, when suddenly after exiting the pits Adi's car crashed into the first turn, the rear wheel came off... it skidded, and hit the stand when the other driver to avoid being hit turned his car, it went turtle... God!
O God! Adi... Adi...you ok...God! someone stop that godamn race and then blank... I passed out...

Whew.... all this remembering the past still takes a toll on me, I still miss Adi after 5 years... I have Vinivesh- reinvestment of my dreams to keep me company... I was hounded after that, by photographers, journalist, media, human rights commission, people's welfare homes... I still remember the fear which gripped me while I was at home alone.. NO whose at the door? go away...those days were pure hell... so to avoid that i ran away, I ran away from Germany and came back home, home to India, home to New Delhi... I had enough bonds and investments and thanks to the exchange rate I led a very comfortable life...

All this while I broke loose from people, my insecurity from before marriage, being the second best, scare that people would recognise me as Adi's wife... I wanted to keep things simple for Vinivesh...I didnt want my ast, and my mistake of marrying Adi haunt him... Yes marrying Adi was my mistake.because we weren't meant to be...
The only person I trusted more than me was my best friend Rahul, who stood by me before and after everything... He was for Adi an uncle, a friend philosopher and guide... Rahul encouraged me to write... I started writing a book on my life..

My book...it took me two years too write it.. and in that while vini became every attached to me... I didnt go out have a lot of social life, so my family was restricted to me, vini and out cat sia... with the visits of rahul who pampered the hell of vini...

Suddenly my book interested Rahul... he got an editor- publisher friend to read my book, and don't know how my book went on to be printed and become a best-seller...Now I had to arrange publicity tours, promotion, talk-shows around the globe to promote my book... Vini hated it...he couldn't understand why his mom used to leave him and go... He started demanding more and more of time, and patience from me...and I wasnt ready to give it to him... I slaved my life for him and his father... I ruined my life for them, because of them...and now what I wanted was a few measely hours and life for myself... Why didn't I deserve it? I did and no one could steal that from me... I went to LA to promote my book, and Rahul calls to say Vini ran away to me... He says he is going in search of his father because his momma thinks only of herself, she doesnt care for me... she thinks she ruined her life for me and pap... I hate her... I don't wanna be with her, and no amount of coaxing bought him back to me...

Rahul suggested him adopting Vini... And I powerless granted the request to him...

Now with my second bestseller am ashen... with no sort to rise from my ashes to become a Phoenix... My self worth and hangover that no one valued me ruined me...made my downfall now I want you and Vini and Rahul to forgive me...but don't forget me

Devilsh Listener

My bestest story!!! it is a story no real life incidents...

A new story... was planning to write one long back, but pressing requirements to prove myself saner stalled it ... now am back as me again ( in short serious, psycho and multi-faceted)...


Nicholas aka Nick the epitome of understanding... He was probably a very understanding person, because he thought before he did, he imagined himself in others place and then acted. He was caring, full of life, vibrant, exuberant, innocent, an amazing listener, who could also read minds. But as a normal human he was fallible as the next man. He was mistrusting, impatient, short tempered, a little insecure. He wasn't confident about himself, and thought he had no importance in anyone's lives. The kind of person whom you would not like to anger. Coz' he had a bad bad temper. He did not forgive or forget easily. Which I think was his strength. He had a razor sharp memory edged to perfection. He was a person who exuded confidence, the very presence of this person made things easier. A person always on his toes to find a solution. He was a best friend, and the worst foe you could find. Best friend we already understand why, Foe well we guessed it probably, cause when a person never forgives or forgets and has a temper and an ego things are better left unsaid...
So the character sketch has been drawn and you could now dig deeper into his life...

Once upon a time ( nah this not a fairy tale, it never is with nick around ) there were two close friends Nick and Adonis. Nick we have already met, and Adonis well he was Nicks close friend. A very decent guy, charming personality, right contacts right grooming...ah! the gentleman.... But hold your horses he wasnt that perfect.... When you'd get to know Adonis you'd realize how lonely he was, and he was easily crushable...the person was like a fresh flower fragile, very trusting, easily worried but with the strength of a mountain, he was rock solid but he needed support and encouragement from time to time. When hurt or upset the first thing he does is turn his back on people close to him, coz' then he looses confidence or trust in that relationship, or maybe he doesn't want to sound 'weak'. He hasnt had easy relationships agreed, also the fact that relations which build confidence deserted him, but he was lucky enough to have pillars of supports as friends like Nick behind him, but Adonis lost his trust he spurned all the comfort of them. Maybe this happened because of the fact that Nick preached a lot to Adonis sometime's repeating himself even though he knew Adonis wanted to avoid it, but things in life couldnot be avoided... There are things which need to be faced. Not everything which is faced could be solved, but nothing could be solved till it is faced. So Adonis started shying away from Nick.
He knew that yet again if he needed Nick would be there.

But Nick who had never showed his shortcomings to Adonis and had bared all this always, this time was enraged. He thought that Adonis was being childish and even though he could not completely blame him, Nick was hurt. He went to meet Adonis called him, but nothing worked. So Nick got really angry, and with his dented ego he decided to break free... No more worrying no more tensing up... He'd be there when Adonis called and would listen but no advice or anything... Nick wouldnot go and meet him or call. And Nick truly implemented that...

Whereas Nick cooled down easily, once Adonis called Nick returned to normal forgetting any thing that happened as a distant memory, what was it about Adonis that made Nick forget his ownself and beliefs he didn't know, but he felt thoroughly protective of Adonis. Nick was the first person Adonis would call in a problem, get angry upon hang up, and call again to discuss the solution received or done. But there was a twist in the tale like all fairy tales...

Whereas Nick supported Adonis throughout Adonis though had tall claims of understanding Nick he never did. He never realised Nick was insecure, didn''t think himself capable of friends, had no close friends, was over sensitive. Was very vulnerable and now very pricky to criticism which adversely affected Nick now, which he didnt bother earlier. From being a supremely confident male to a vulnerable man who started living a dual life. One in front of the people, and one the real him. It started killing Nick's spirits, it made him a recluse, a person who didnt even trust his own decisions now. He stopped giving his opinions, stopped discussing things. Because whenever he wanted or needed to talk he had himself for company.
Adonis used to say when you want to check how rich you are drop a tear and see how many hands reach to wipe it, you would have got your wealth. Nick had none. So Nick moved on in life with a fierce determination not to give up, not to loose, cause life doesnot stop at one hurdle, it slows u down to give you the momentum.

But all said and done

Adonis never felt the difference......

Those were not the best days of my life

it was the summer of 2006...
Well ok, I nearly ruined the Bryan Adams' song with the lack of rhyme, but thats how I'd sum up my one (ok nearly one year ) at this place i'll not name...

I am not a person of first impressions, of impulsive behavior. but somehow for God knows what reason that place appalled me. It wasnt the structure (or the lack of it) nor wasit my first impression, it was just my gut.

But the ignorant person I am to my gut, i still enrolled in that place. Little did I know that this place would be the most amusing, the most irritating and agonising place I'd spend my time....

This place was an oxymoron. The people here i mean. They can be sweet and good but are also downright shallow, irritating and nerve wracking.

The first thing about them that ticked me off was their mental level ( or should i say the lack of it). They were too immature or shallow for their age. Fine I'd agree that I was too serious and have a bad sense of humor but come on yaar, I mean they were too much...
They had an opinion about everything. They would comment on people's clothes, their dressing style, their attitude, their love life (or lack of it), their educational background etc etc... For them they are superior and the rest were , well not worth mentioning. I mean I definitely agree this the standard people you would encounter every day in your walk of life. This person is your neighbor, your friend, your relative anyone, but these people were to the extremes.

The next thing was gossip and creating rumors. It was so easy for them to create gossip, malign someones name, without realizing that gossip was like butter once spread cannot be unspread. When it falls it falls on the buttered side only. To those who do it , it is a momentary time pass, for those at the receiving end it may cause sleepless nights ahead, so why indulge in it?

the next was their policy of ruining someones career, how ? simple by copying their work passing it as theirs and the rest is what all of us already know...

But you know what the final straw is? How they broke peoples confidence in themselves and trust in other people, by using them when required and then acting as a stranger when done..

Its nothing extra ordinary, what you find in the daily walk of your life. You could say 'hey I go through the same, but do I hate it, No, so why do you.? ' but then thats not me, I cannot function in such an enviornment where all these catalysts act together.

Hence I hate it! :D

ok another serious blog... sorry I cant change :)

Ambiguity

Well i am not confused about what i want to write or about the meaning of this term... So I will solve this confusion by writing about the ambiguous nature of mine :D

I am not that serious, dull or boring or even psychotic u would have presumed me to be after reading my blogs...Well I am a little but not that much :D

To solve this ambiguity (which by the dictionary means a state of confusion, but i say means confusion caused by one side...) I will narrate some of my sweet and some of my not so sweet pranks I pulled...though they are not very naughty but they are kinda cute... ok to break my serious stereotype i think ....

#1 my sweetest prank - undoubtedly Pulak was at the receiving end of this... It was a very rare cold morning in calcutta (and i feel cold is the rarest of rare occasions). And as usual me n bro were bickering who'd go and have a bath first (well its like we both fight to take a bath in moms room which had the works a tub, rain shower etc)... I got ready with my clothes and shower kit when very smartly bro sneaked in... unluckily for him he just took his towel and his kit... This obviously falred my temper and hurt my little fragile ego... so to get back on him i went clothes hunting...i hid all his clothes the ones in the laundry, the washed and dried ones, the fresh ones everything, took his closet keys with me... when he came out i sweetly went inside without a word... Poor baby was knocking at the door for an hour for me to come out ...which i obviously didnt and the poor guy was freezing for an hr... ( co' dads clothes wdnt even fit him any hows...) Lol...was he furiously cold ;) I remember he would take his keys with him after that for a long long while

2# my baby'ish prank- my close friends 16th birthday... am at wits end at what to do for her... cause her birthday came very late and i was out of ideas, or whatever i had she knew me well enough to guess my next move... any hows i went shopping, got her a gift... Then what? thinking thinking, then it strikes me... I go to a florist shop, order a bouquet of dazzling red roses, arranged with an array of shrubs, in a very romantic way (well thats till date my best arrangement ). and i sent them along with a card which said " To my cutest" " with loads of love and roses forever " "guess"... I got them delivered at her birth time which was 8.30 am, along with a small cake.. Then called her normally did tp everything ( i just wish ppl at their birth times) so she was yapping to me while taking a bath when her family comes upto her and is like roses for u... She shrieks, then says it must be u, i somehow pretend ignorance and feign shock... And when she reads the card its a comp different writing (
I had made the card shop person write it).. So she spent her entire time in school and after it wondering who that guy it would be... I only broke the news to her when she was standing at the florist the next day arguing with him :D... God! was she livid.!!! but i being me managed to cool her down

Not mine...but beautiful poem

Hai dis is not mine... but i fell in love with this poem on sight...

Some people that we meet,
As we live each day,
Change us by their lives,
And the things they say.
So, with much caution,
Our friends we should choose,
Lest by their influence,
Our own soul we should lose.
Oft times, I have considered,
The choices I have make.
At times, I honestly admit,
My choices made me afraid.
Good friends are a treasure,
More precious than can be told.
Their worth cannot be measured,
In silver or in gold.
I have the richest blessing,
Of friends and loved ones, dear,
Who have been good examples,
And made the way so clear.
You have been my anchor.
You have been my friend.
The way your life has touched me,
Has given me hope again.

Five Philosophies of my life...
Don't mind the caps its just my beliefs


1."DON'T LET SOMEONE BECOME A PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE...
WHEN YOU ARE JUST AN OPTION FOR THEM....."



2."NEVER CRY FOR ANY RELATION IN LIFE
BECAUSE FOR THE ONE WHOM YOU CRY
DOES NOT DESERVE YOUR TEARS
AND THE ONE WHO DESERVES
WILL NEVER LET YOU CRY......... ........ "



3.TREAT EVERYONE WITH POLITENESS
EVEN THOSE WHO ARE RUDE TO YOU,
NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT NICE
BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE NICE........ ......... ......



4.NEVER SEARCH YOUR HAPPINESS
IN OTHERS
WHICH WILL MAKE YOU
FEEL ALONE,
RATHER SEARCH IT IN YOURSELF
YOU WILL FEEL HAPPY
EVEN IF YOU ARE LEFT ALONE....... ......... ......



5.HAPPINESS ALWAYS LOOKS SMALL
WHEN WE HOLD IT IN OUR HANDS.
BUT WHEN WE LEARN TO
SHARE IT,
WE REALIZE HOW BIG AND PRECIOUS IT IS! ............ ....

Cab (it)

Have you ever thought why simply why there are so many cars in the city?? Oh no its not because there are so many rich people, or high disposable income... nah none of the economic causal relationships... Nope its neither the social causes like status symbol or show... Its not even exactly convenience of movement... It is convenience definitely I agree, but convenience of your health wealth and savior from harassment and embarrassment not to forget also psychological torture... You think am getting off track? What is the connection between cars and all that I said? Then my friend you haven't used the Calcutta's (oops now Kolkata) public transport yet...

Look before I start I know most of my friends and people use the public transport... I am also well versed with the fat that when need arises I also use it... I am not cribbing on the use of public transport...Just the people behind it...

I generally have my car wherever I go or whenever I want, only on very rare occasions and in the past month when my driver wasn't there (and no I can't drive) I depended a lot on the public transport... Cause I had my semester exams and I couldn't afford to miss them...

So in the morning on my way to college I would take a cab ( okay okay fine taxi...) to college... I would leave around 10.30 a.m. Believe me I had always heard about cab drivers, never had any first hand experiences... Mine are not melodramatic or things stories are made of...they are plain irritating and uncomfortable
Some of my cab experiences are:

1# One fine morning I take this cab from home to my college... I explain the driver minto park and sit down... This cabbie has louder than loud music blaring on his radio. My request to him to turn down the music led to the volume being lowered by a notch... This driver was singing on the top of his lungs...Then all of a sudden he gets down at a crossing and starts talking to another cab driver and I am calling him to start driving as the lights changed and I had to reach college... Finally when I threatened to change cabs did he turn up...

2# This has to be by far the most common experience for everyone... I was told the cab fares are like triple the new meter and nearly four times the old meter... So I like a good gal on reaching the place asked the cabbie my fare... he very well told me an astronomical amount... and on telling him the correct amount he tells me that He misread the chart/ guise or whatever that thing is which they refer to...

3# This is my most gruesome experience after which i swore of cabs... This morning when I have my final paper due, I take this cab from home to my college... This cab driver takes this god knows what route driving me half the way out of the way... My constant mentions about the wrong route and for him to change routes fall to nearly deaf ears... Then once back on track this cabbie bangs the cab once, then after a shortwhile again... and all this time he was driving god so rashly... I cant even explain... Things seem so rational now that its a while since then...but was things bad that day :)... so i get down two and a half kilometers ( or maybe even more) distance away from college and walk down till that place... and the journey back home was even more funny cause i walked a little and then took a metro!!! (ok ok enough for this post...that experience next time)... well my close friend and my family members were wanting to kill me that day when I told them after everything was over!!!

Believe me after that day I havent sat down in a cab even with friends... I know the day may not be far when I may need it again and I'd manage but the point is this is exactly why there are so many cars in the city....

The silent Spectator part 2

Hai…this may seem as sequel to my silent spectator… It actually is …

So there was San trying to come to terms with it…He was sure of his role in life now… Though he was certain people wouldn’t miss his presence, he consoled himself thinking at least he was their friend, philosopher, guide… He could solve their problems when they arrived; he could listen to them, guide them. But slowly and one day very shockingly for him, San realized he was dispensable in everyone’s life… They all called and spoke about their problems, listened to what he wanted to say, but eventually did what they want… Most of the times they did what he said, but put that advice on some one else’s name. No one ever referred to San as his friend. Friends from long on, felt hesitant to talk about San to other new friends, new friends didn’t bother remembering San in other people’s company… When San would talk to people, people would go on talking and then leave. Sans contribution to the so-called ‘dialogue’ would be “Hi, how are you”…or “what’s wrong?”… “Ok”…and then the advice. But very strangely everyone never bothered to find out what was up with San.

San took to this bad. He blamed himself and his being a person to the fault… And he was then abused of trying to act like God!! He was accused of acting as if he was the knight in shining Armour, he was the good man and the rest evil, he was hurt badly. Insulted big time. Even when he hurt people on purpose to make them come to terms with reality, or to make them see the other side of the coin, people remembered that hurt, not the good that it did to them. People remembered if San called them a weak person, or told them to something rudely. If ever San would tell them something bad or hurt them it was not acceptable… Every time they spoke next, people would remind him that, taunt him, hurt him… But the hurt given to San was all forgotten… it was a classic case of like “ when did I hurt you? I don’t remember.. If I did it would not be on purpose…what did I tell you? Tell me…nothing to say… stop putting your faults as mine…” It hurt him big time… He was crestfallen…he felt cheated with life with his niceness… he felt what is the use of trying to be good or yourself when that becomes a quality against you… He flew to that human girls window… Sitting there he heard her saying to a friend… “You remember Mother Teresa? The selfless lady who gave up her life for other people, didn’t care about herself her respect for the welfare of other people… Well people now want to emulate her, be like her…they pretend to be her…” and the sparrow was even more killed… he was shocked to hear that the kind of things told to him made him sound like a Mother Teresa whom the humans respected so much… He was so insulted and hurt that he built a new nest for him and cried. He cried like he’d never stop… he wanted to change himself to the world…to wise up to the hardships of the world…to give people a dose of their medicine… to tell all those people who accused him of being good that he would change, he would now not care, not listen not hurt…

He flew out on the new dawn to carry out his new mission, only to fail miserably… He could not hurt people; he could not be rude to them… He went back to the same people to be hurt again. Some people started a new beginning vowing not to remember the past, some weren’t affected, new ties were made and some old severed… But what didn’t change was the hurt…people still hurt and will hurt…but when San made relations, he made them for life… and he was quite close to a few of them…he was worried about them… So he decided never to rake up the past cause that would always hurt…to look into the future…

The silent Spectator

The Silent Spectator…

This story is special to me…Its special coz' its one of my original stories now made a post.. This is a tale of a sparrow… read on and you’ll agree that this story is just so sweet about a little sparrow and his tryst with life and self-revelations…Its touching but really sweet

San was a little sparrow youngest one to the rich family of four… with mamma sparrow, papa sparrow and brother sparrow…The little sparrow was the apple of everyone’s eye…It though was little but was very smart… It went to the ‘Sparrows International School’…the sparrow made loads of friends… He was very popular amongst them… Always there whenever someone called to him, willingly and happily he helped him or her out… He took blames for the other sparrows whenever they broke windows or nibbled at wires, he took their blame whenever the mother sparrows found two sparrows beaks hurt… he was a friends friend… He would listen to all the sparrow’s squawks.. He even listened to stranger sparrows squawks… This was because he always thought that one day when he would need the other sparrows’ to hear his squawks they would be there… He was selfish. He wanted to make friends for life… Wanted to have someone whom he could fly high in the air with… Someone with whom he could chase other sparrows’, people with whom he could criticize other birds and humans…When time came for him to tap his ‘I owe you` s’ from his other friends he realized he was alone… All his friends had either thought him to be a looser or made their distance slowly and steadily without even hinting… He faced the reality and became stronger… He decided that he was to fight his stance alone. Loads of problems came into the life of that little sparrow, he bore them all with a smile. He did not once complain why me? Or say why am I alone? He just smiled through it…

The little sparrow became the strength of his family. He took care of their every little need. He even gathered sticks to save their house. He used to flap his wings and make silly noises, mock other birds and humans just to make them smile… He always made the members discuss their sorrows with him. He let them squawk out at him when they were in pain on rage… He listened and listened… And gradually people became dependent on him…so dependent that now any problem caused would be because of the sparrow. Every one would do away with their guilty conscience by putting the blame on the San. Never was San praised, he was always told of his shortcomings, always blamed for things. Only in highly emotional times did mamma sparrow say a few words of gratitude for san…

Times now came that San thought whatever he did was for show; he did everything to gain attention and appreciation. Maybe or maybe not no one knows… But one thing became certain was that the sparrow stopped trusting people. He stopped trying to talk to people about himself. He just smiled and listened. Every time he wanted to cry he would cover his eyes with his wings and start flying high and higher in the sky. No one understood him and was he lonely or not… Everytime some one would call him with his problems he’d sit down and worry about the other person… Once he heard a human saying, “if others are not concerned about me, why shall I be about them? I will not care about them”. But the poor sparrow thought how wrong that human was. If others didn’t care about you it didn’t mean you stop caring about them, because the sparrow knew how horrible it was when no one was bothered about you or worried about you. So the sparrow made a resolution that whatever maybe the situation, he’d always be there for his friends. He’d never let them feel lonely.

Then came a nice little sparrow in his life. She made San want to trust people and San actually started loving and trusting people again. He shared his problems and worries with her. But as time progressed he realized he was adding to her worries… He felt that she was now becoming a little uncomfortable with his problems so San decided to play it safe and never share himself again… San also had another very good friend whom he trusted, he even shared himself, but with time he realized he wasn’t anyones priority. No one considered him important in their lives. They all preferred to talk about themselves. No one ever asked San whats wrong why are you upset? No one ever bugged San till he wanted to share…

So an upset San went back to the human girls window… He heard her listening to the a song with lyrics which said, “ All I ever asked was a shoulder to cry, all I ever wanted was a heart to smile, all I ever wanted was to be weak, all I ever wanted was to be with someone who’d worry about me…”. The sparrow realized he was crying…how true the words of wisdom were… How much the sparrow wanted it… He sat there thinking for hours, he thought how little importance was he for others… If he subtracted himself from anyone else’s life there wouldn’t be a change… If one day he would die no one would miss him. With this realization he started flying higher in the sky and decided to live for himself. He decided to cry alone and pray for that someone who’d fly beside him while he’d cry…. Who would offer him its shoulder to cry…

My definition of LOVE

Find arms that will hold you at your weakest... Find eyes that will see you at your ugliest Find a heart that loves you at your worst... It is then when you find true Love Love isn't it a very subjective term? For you love is a sweet emotion, it is a driving force, it is when you meet someone and decide that yes this is the person you can spend your life with... But have you ever thought that you could spend your life with your best friend because that person understands you, cares for you, knows your want and desires... Can’t you? Won’t it be the same thing if you think love to be caring, understanding, knowing you… You can spend your entire life with anyone you are comfortable with, you accept that person as a part of your life, so what exactly is love then? Is it a mere feeling or another term for close friendship companionship? We often hear “ I love you’ ‘I can’t live without you’ but for some reason the relation with that person may not work out. The following time period skipped, one finds another person and the story repeats itself… I want to ask something, till yesterday you couldn’t live without that person, life was unthinkable, only that person completed you, then how could you fall in ‘love’ again? Does love change hands? Is the feeling reversible? You start hating or despising the person you once loved all that goes up in smoke, just like that? No what you call is not love it is companionship… You act as a companion best friends… You need each other to combat loneliness, but there is no such thing as love… Why let someone come so close to u that that person can hurt u? y get in a meaningless relation